Monday, May 25, 2015

Alpacarena


Mon May 25 17:25:25 +0000 2015RT @protolalia: I'll be done with all my plans for the weekend as soon as this tweet is complete.
Mon May 25 17:25:16 +0000 2015RT @protolalia: A happy relationship is when both partners pitch in. You go pick up the pizza & I'll sit here in my pj's & decide what to w…
Mon May 25 17:25:07 +0000 2015RT @protolalia: Are there any movies about a woman who's in her late 30's and she has a boyfriend who doesn't love cats but then he learns …
Mon May 25 17:24:52 +0000 2015RT @protolalia: I've begun networking with the other crazy cat ladies in my neighborhood.


RT @sexgodsuperhero: Cuz of job market, I didn't want to sound overqualified for job as GM. Kept quiet about a Master's degree. My resume j…
Sun May 24 06:04:26 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Is it just me who gets startled awake every time Vince Neil & 2 Swedish chicks visit my dreams as Ice Capades stars do…
Sun May 24 05:37:00 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: To lay around or lay down? That is the question? How shall we collapse this capitalist state? Aw, c'mon. It'll be fun.…
Sun May 24 05:36:46 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: It's unicorn poop, & it's good luck. Why am I in my socks? Cuz some chick asked the size of my shoes. I said 13. So, s…
Sun May 24 05:36:28 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Yes, 12-Steps is stupid. No, I won't take inventory. I know I lost half my marbles. The 10 mg valium knob went to 11 b…
Sun May 24 05:36:10 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: TV camera showed me on Jumbotron during the hockey game. Sure hope folks talk about 'it' & not me; after picking that …
Sun May 24 05:35:50 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: With finesse & a pencil w/ an eraser, you can turn Pontius Pilate into Monte Ass Pilot; & then bask in the irony of hi…
Sun May 24 05:35:36 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: ..& it was a (sex)swing & a miss(tress) at the "..(h)old (deez) ball(s) game."
Sun May 24 05:35:08 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: It was as I was setting myself up for disappointment that I realized I was missing half of my good silverware.
Sun May 24 05:34:53 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Yes, I put up 666 stop signs around town, to say: "Stop & smell the roses." Rest of words didn't fit. What? Just meant…
Sun May 24 05:34:34 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: I said the Pentagon had a tiny penis, not George. But, I was told Bunnypants got his wiener stuck in the 64-box crayon…
Sun May 24 05:34:17 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: All I need's an iguana, some legwarmers & an igloo. The rest is up to you. You know what to do. lol j/k I'll let you k…
Sun May 24 05:33:59 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Was kinda hoping I'd remember my dreams this morning. Nope. Woke up confused by a loud, strange barking sound. It was …
Sun May 24 05:33:37 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: How was I to know that saying I was happy her son finally grew into his head wasn't a compliment? It was too, lady. Y…
Sun May 24 05:32:41 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Sure. Fly. Ride. Swim. I'll take it. Hike. Bike. What? Oh, sorry.. Thought you said first-class was full, & asked  if …
Sun May 24 05:32:16 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Do you think this propellor makes my asshat look fat?
Sun May 24 05:32:05 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Why'd I bring a big-ass book to the slam poetry show?  Because all cowboys from hell use a vulgar display of power in …
Sun May 24 05:31:39 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Had Bigfoot taken me up on my offer & borrowed my extra pair of shoes, he'd be being chased by women worldwide instead…
Sun May 24 05:31:11 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Bowling reminds me of a cross between LSD & toasted mustard & bologna sammiches.
Sun May 24 05:30:46 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: I think this bowling ball digs me. It's getting looser, wetter.. Actually it's soaking wet. It's opening; showing me s…
Sun May 24 05:30:24 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: What's my handicap? I don't know. What have you heard? Easily distracted by cameltoe, I guess.
Sun May 24 05:30:11 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Her cameltoe holds a single jingle bell ring. Below her belly hole, the ol' mistletoe swings. Her ass so fine & shiny.…
Sun May 24 05:29:53 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: The Spanish word, esposas, has two meanings. Apparently. Last year, Santa was unclear about my list, so he gave me 2 w…
Sun May 24 05:29:37 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: It's quite possible I have a tweet tooth; oh, what a twavesty. Except, it's moving. And crunchy. Actually, I think I…
Sun May 24 05:29:14 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Okay, so what yer telling me is that, yet again, the revolution is not gonna be televised, right? How about the slow d…
Sun May 24 05:28:58 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Having trouble rocking the gangsta walk after throwing that gutterball.
Sun May 24 05:28:46 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Somehow, I'm not surprised. I made fish sticks on the very day life stopped giving me lemons.
Sun May 24 05:28:07 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: That gutter got more balls than mouths at a teabagger rally.
Sun May 24 05:27:38 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Somewhere at this very moment, George W. Bunnypants is clearing brush in his yard; patting himself on the back; & pret…
Sun May 24 05:27:21 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: When I heard they used to have farting contests in ancient Japan, for loudest & longest; something happened. All my th…
Sun May 24 05:26:30 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: This tweet is veiled, just like Hamid Karzai in a burqa after losing a bet to the Taliban. The dress is from the Estat…
Sun May 24 05:26:14 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: About done bowling at Lucky Strike. Other team just said: "This is for all the Marlboros." What? Marbles? Um, uh,.. Le…
Sun May 24 05:25:36 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: All these years, working at the factory making ribbets..seems to be taking its toll on Fred the Frog. Almost looks lik…
Sun May 24 05:25:24 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: "I know I'm nuts," said the schizophrenic, self-aware almond.
Sun May 24 05:24:16 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Twitter JEDPURDY JED: "'Rhymes with' for $600." Alex: "Nostril. Hell, yeah." JED: "What's Australia?" Alex: "Ooh, …
Sun May 24 05:23:37 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: I questioned authority. First, I got no answer. Then, I was given the wrong answer. New question. Corporate Americ…
Sun May 24 05:23:15 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: I wonder if it's normal for sex gods to mumble.
Sun May 24 05:22:58 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: You won the 30 min. battle, Mr. Beeping Fire Alarm w/ dying battery. You hid well. But, my bat made war casualties out…
Sun May 24 05:22:43 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: She's a big, pop icon in a Minnesota Viking helmet. Get it? Big pop. Mini-soda. No? Okay. You know what this tweet ne…
Sun May 24 05:20:48 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Dear dumbass Dreamweaver, When I asked you to 'keep me in the loop', did you really think I meant lock me inside a b…
Sun May 24 05:20:16 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: We need a new holiday movie.  I vote for: A Christmas Pickle Barrel No Scrooge. Yes, screw JED. I'll bring the pickle…
Sun May 24 05:19:40 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: With a dildo stapled to his forehead, Beavis dive-bombed my house on a flying robot horse coated in barfed up Skittles…
Sun May 24 05:19:23 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: It turns out the reason the whale stopped telling all his classic dick jokes was because he thought they were all dork…
Sun May 24 05:19:10 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: You know the good ol' days I don't miss? Those when the cockroaches would walk on the bedroom ceiling at night, & then…
Sun May 24 05:18:33 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: No one fussed when I said Chelsea's wedding was expensive cuz of what I charged Bill & Hillary to blow me. Tonite, I s…
Sun May 24 05:17:55 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Somewhere near Kamloops, an unsuspecting moose..is about  to lose his juice to Sarah Palin. #justsaying
Sun May 24 05:17:42 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Teenage boys everywhere are learning how hackers got banks, Visa, etc., to go down..on command, so they can use the sa…
Sun May 24 05:17:28 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: When yer mom's all lit up, naked, spraypainted gold, wearing angel wings & assplanted atop my hardwood tree, spinning,…
Sun May 24 05:17:14 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: "Yer mom's a star, a really big star on my twitter, my really big twitter. So big, I am..into her big-time." Heard son…
Sun May 24 05:16:55 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Current status: Um, I forget what ya call it when you attempt to be clever, & dumb down the stupid without spilling sh…
Sun May 24 05:11:08 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: I took a written IQ test, & marked in every bubble. That way I always had right answer picked. Friggin' genius, amirit…
Sun May 24 05:10:29 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: The electronic voting machine ate my democracy,..& half my bagel. ..And, don't even get me started on your mom & her l…
Sun May 24 05:10:08 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Soon, Cher will arrive at the shaman's condo, & attempt to charm him into sharing his Charmin. Then, you will hear a l…
Sun May 24 05:09:19 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: If I was a physicist, & not a jizzicist zensnooziest, I'd say: "I have the world by a string, in theory." ;0) Not fun…
Sun May 24 05:08:52 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Hey, Casper w/ the torch & misspelled sign,.. Since yer the only guy in town with a bad limp, the white sheet in the p…
Sun May 24 05:08:17 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: My thoughts are basically the jibber jabber feedback from the general admission, partially obstructed, lawn seating vi…
Sun May 24 05:07:57 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: He could not lie. He liked big butts. And, when he discovered the word, 'asshole', ended with 'ole', he knew he wanted…
Sun May 24 05:07:33 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: It turns out that 'x-mas' does not mark the birth of the algebra equation. Apparently. .. I had no idea.
Sun May 24 05:07:19 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: I need a more current thesaurus. None of mine seem to list 'free markets' & 'corporate welfare' as synonyms. Even as o…
Sun May 24 05:06:50 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Flyagra: anti-Viagra for flags. Zaps barium chemtrails in the sky, & forms windshields. Flags will fly no more.* *un…
Sun May 24 05:06:33 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Tried to put on my happy face. But either my head grew, or it shrunk. Looked like I had a tribal nose ring as my smile…
Sun May 24 05:06:17 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: "Away in a stranger.." What? ..Oh, as I was thinking I should send out some Christmas cards, it occurred to me I shoul…
Sun May 24 05:05:56 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Sometimes you need snow tires with change.
Sun May 24 05:05:39 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: My 'more RAM' tweet was poorly written. Wasn't referring to you awesome women of Twitter. I meant the chicks sitting o…
Sun May 24 05:05:17 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: You, women, seemed nice 'til that fucking outburst. I offered my help..to be nice. Didn't know yer computers needed "a…
Sun May 24 05:05:02 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Tonight, I got a headache from the memes faster than that time I stumbled onto 50 Cent's timeline while he & Chelsea H…
Sun May 24 05:04:49 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Twikileaks: It was Mrs. White in the library with Professor Plum in her bum.  Between Miss Scarlet & Mrs. Green was a …
Sun May 24 04:58:39 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: I take yer 'pain' & give you an "O". Yep, as in piano. ..& then I tune ya w/ my organ; & we make music together, & jin…
Sun May 24 04:58:12 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: I hope Jack will take drug advice & stay clear of Jill; cuz together, they are a Dyson. She's an expensive vacuum; & h…
Sun May 24 04:57:48 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: One time at Backhand Camp, Bruce Lee beat Chuck Norris' ass while we watched Return of the Dragon..where Bruce Lee bea…
Sun May 24 04:57:23 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: It wasn't so much an evil eye as it was an 'I'm gonna hold up this line so  stand behind me at your own risk' kind of …
Sun May 24 04:45:06 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Status: At Fushigi headquarters, explaining to managers why 'Gravity Balls' aren't real magic; & I'm letting them hold…
Sun May 24 04:40:49 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Finished biography on Ted Nugent. Motor City Madman: The Boy-Squirrel Yank Me Crank, Neoconfederate Rhetoric Shit of a…
Sun May 24 04:38:24 +0000 2015RT @JedsFans: A blue-blooded redneck A drag racing queen A few exaggerated metaphors A crack smoking fiend I was just walking where the si…
Sun May 24 04:38:17 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: From now on, when all the girls wanna come to my yard 1/3 of a yard, 1/4 of a yard, whatever I'm gonna tell them not…
Sun May 24 04:38:11 +0000 2015RT @tweetspraylove: "It's short for Alfpaca," the annoying furry alien informed me after climbing out of his crashed ship in my garage.
Sun May 24 04:37:55 +0000 2015RT @dirtyrhymes: "I can't tell if I'm a llama or an alpaca." ~llama, possibly an alpaca, using Google images
Sun May 24 04:37:49 +0000 2015RT @potatobugsplit: Went to let my love open the door.. And sprained my wiener.
Sun May 24 04:37:43 +0000 2015RT @Nerducken: Llamaffirmation: At least I'm not an alpaca.
Sun May 24 04:37:38 +0000 2015RT @inlinebehindDio: Honest llamas promise commas. One comma comma two one two.
Sun May 24 04:37:21 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Being kind is free. And twitter lets us be that way worldwide all the time night and day. Yay!! Ermahgerd.  : )
Sun May 24 04:36:29 +0000 2015RT @brokefloormat: Recent polls seem to falsely infer that there are no Polish strippers.
Sun May 24 04:36:02 +0000 2015RT @potatobugsplit: "Foo fighters might not be real," ~Dave Grohl having an existential crisis
Sun May 24 04:35:47 +0000 2015RT @tweetspraylove: There are no known established protocols for alien visitation yet, so until there are, I suggest you let me handle this…
Sun May 24 04:35:36 +0000 2015RT @Crossjostle: I must assume my church will act rationally after any extra-terrestrial cover-up documents surface. Like say, if I were to…
Sun May 24 04:35:29 +0000 2015RT @Nerducken: As much as I don't like TV learning, at least this is a conspiracy show, so technically a bit of it is just mumbo jumbo all …
Sun May 24 04:35:19 +0000 2015RT @PopularityStars: You have a special gift for inner rhyme and alliteration, baby. That's it. A little more to the right. Gentle, gentle.…
Sun May 24 04:35:11 +0000 2015RT @hashtagxjed: The alpacas are back. You're safe now.
Sat May 23 23:47:15 +0000 2015RT @protolalia: A real man would never ignore your texts while morphing into some kinda surreal butterfly dragon.
Sat May 23 23:36:04 +0000 2015RT @protolalia: "Our pizza is gonna get cold," she subtweeted @Dumbassador, who was busy tending to his alpaca army.
Sat May 23 23:35:15 +0000 2015RT @protolalia: A fraternity is just a place for men to get together and brag about who can best satisfy their girlfriends' emotional needs.
Sat May 23 23:33:05 +0000 2015RT @protolalia: If someone honks at you, just assume they recognize you from Twitter and smile and wave.
Fri May 22 03:32:52 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: I find it hard to believe that guys think about sex every 7 seconds. (no pun intended) .. I don't even have a thought …
Fri May 22 03:26:53 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Did you know you can build a 2-mile bridge connecting Russia with Alaska by gluing together 66.6% of the moose cocks S…
Fri May 22 03:26:18 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Some guys are uptight, w/ dumb last names, & hate cannoli. Ex: Pickyer Nostra Godfather. Never again can I say: "Don D…
Fri May 22 03:26:01 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: My bank loaned me money by just typing numbers on their screen. It looked so easy. .. I've decided to pay it back by t…
Fri May 22 03:25:50 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: "I know it's weird, but you did elect me your president," JED told the Women's Club. "I've converted this didgeridoo i…
Fri May 22 03:25:38 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Played in the Gulf of Aden with Ziggy; stayed in a cool room with a view. On a pirate ship, we saw crazy shit: starmen…
Fri May 22 03:25:21 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Don't get me wrong. The party's still cool, & all. I just misheard you when you said there'd be a "midget pourin'.." d…
Fri May 22 03:22:40 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: "She doesn't even give good headache." "Sorry, I still need you to testify," said JED..to a moose sodomized & traumat…
Fri May 22 03:22:27 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Everyone has a song in their heart. Not a movie role soul. Dane Cook, go act; you suck at stand-up. Jamie Foxx (& frie…
Fri May 22 03:21:57 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: My brain always adds a '?' to the end of the word, "nuts," whenever I read it. {Nuts?} ..Like my sanity is being quest…
Fri May 22 03:21:24 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: The world's oldest cave writings finally got translated today. They are verses to a sex poem: "Hot Mama, I Just Gotta …
Fri May 22 03:20:51 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Interdimensional shift? We all gotta go through? ..whole octave shifts up? ..through a void? All..or none? Just don't…
Fri May 22 03:20:19 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: To answer your DMs: "Yes, good guess." A penis crop circle found in snow-covered grass by Eiffel Tower was replica of …
Fri May 22 03:19:52 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: My bucket list includes going a whole day without hearing a single celebrity tell the world..his or her views about an…
Fri May 22 03:19:20 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Fine, PETA, I fed the dumb guinea pigs;..& if you really must know, I wore your mothers like disposable fur coats.
Fri May 22 03:18:58 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: I wonder if Santa's elves are on salary & get health benefits.. Also:  Do you think the workshop's close enough..to eg…
Fri May 22 03:18:43 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Dear Culture.. Please note: My hanging of Christmas lights tonight isn't an endorsement of your pagan holiday. It's cu…
Fri May 22 03:08:45 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: "I'm not a flosser, I just brush a lot." ~ Jed's 'BIG' FunSwisher Dr. Heckle: "Boo! JED, you suck! Gongbang! Gongbang…
Fri May 22 03:07:35 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: "Everything u own in a box 2 the left; it a gonna burn, gimme music, make me jump & prance. Pass the dutchie..2 the le…
Fri May 22 03:07:07 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: I told the conservative brahs at the club that I don't watch NASCAR cuz watching all that driving 'left'..might turn m…
Fri May 22 03:06:47 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Well, the good news is: I no longer have a screw loose. ..The bad news is: Now, I'm missing a screw.
Fri May 22 03:06:35 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Texas atheists place ads on buses; Christianists follow 'em w/ pro-God signs; & JED waves both a peace sign & his cock…
Fri May 22 03:05:13 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: The devil made me do shit? .. or.. The devil made me douche it?
Fri May 22 03:04:58 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: When meeting someone for the first time, what is the appropriate amount of time to leave your penis in their ear?
Fri May 22 03:04:12 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Got in my handbasket. Took a joyride to hell. Sat in an uncooked omelet, basically. Forgot it was same basket that'd I…
Fri May 22 03:03:58 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Do you ever wonder why you bother learning new shit..knowing it's only gonna be added to the pile of other shit you do…
Fri May 22 03:01:46 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Alright, already. Just understand there was more than one victim here. It was just as much your ass that broke my coll…
Fri May 22 03:01:02 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: My master key to the Universe broke off in the lock; & since it's already after 5 on Friday, um. Never mind. Really do…
Fri May 22 03:00:49 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Zombie hybrid consumes Marie Antoinette ~> digests her ~> excretes puppet on strings* Yep. *marionette   Based on a…
Fri May 22 02:59:22 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Dear Kate+8n: Thanks for visiting Ms. Palin. I found a redeeming quality in Sarah once I saw you had none. Or, do yo…
Fri May 22 02:55:51 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: "I am the walrus: coo coo coochie coo.." No? What? Wrong lyrics? "Coo coo ca-choo?" Lame. The only other good Beatles …
Fri May 22 02:55:35 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Yes, I've got lousy joke tweet writers locked in the shed. No, it's not kidnapping. It's called rendition. It's legal.…
Fri May 22 02:54:48 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: My college denied me tenure after all I'd done; AND it rejected my data clearly proving The Big Bang was caused by me …
Fri May 22 02:54:28 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: The devil inside? The devil implied? The devil & a side of fries? The cock-eyed devil abides in a double-wide..alongsi…
Fri May 22 02:52:13 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Dear Dreamweaver, Just wanted to not thank you for the torn, sun-rotted jumping castle. It's exactly what I didn't ask…
Fri May 22 02:51:39 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Come hang loose with Lucifer's rooster. Listen to the sounds of frogs & bullhorns blowing as super horny toads sing; &…
Fri May 22 02:51:07 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Wells Fargo, JPMorgan Chase, Bank of America, Citigroup, US Bank, Morgan Stanley. ..What? I was naming all the Salvat…
Fri May 22 02:50:53 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: It's hard to know if my season's been filled with wonder, or not. You know, because of that part where I'm always dumb…
Fri May 22 02:50:22 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Bono's getting cocky about his new TV show on Oprah's network. At press conference, he said: "There's 2 'O's in Bono A…
Fri May 22 02:49:43 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: How cool would it be if the song went: "The Wheels on the Bus Go.." & then the lead singer of Ratt joined in with: "..…
Fri May 22 02:49:32 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Oprah offered Bono his own TV show on her new network. He's gonna name  the show after the place where the streets hav…
Fri May 22 02:49:14 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: "Impressive, wouldn't you say? Not only are they big, they're disco," said JED, as the women's intrigue quickly became…
Fri May 22 02:49:01 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: After 29 years of contemplation, plus channeling Dio's ghost, I've concluded that had I not listened to fools, the mob…
Fri May 22 02:48:49 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: I honestly thought they were doing the humpty-hump. Was not aware clams climbed trees. You sure they're not mini-UFOs …
Fri May 22 02:48:08 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: I'm drinking almond milk, aka nut juice. I wonder what part gay that makes me when added to the other parts. My math'…
Fri May 22 02:47:48 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: The results of a 4-year study, involving 666,069 college males, are in: The number of places guys will put their wien…
Fri May 22 02:47:21 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: There's nothing like the view of the crazy walking in the morning.
Fri May 22 02:44:34 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Yay! I just got a thousand hugs from 10,000 lightning bugs. It was electrifying. I feel so buzzed. ..What? ..Cuz I jus…
Fri May 22 02:43:09 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: The Dude abides while the Buddha buys dried apricots in Botswana. He had a coupon & a craving; the big loafer loves sa…
Fri May 22 02:40:41 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Golf originated w/ shepherds. "Play with this rock. Pretend it's the king's head. Skip church & watch the flock," thei…
Fri May 22 02:39:30 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: I can never remember who sings the song, "The Wheels on the Bus." I'm pretty sure it's either Barney or Phish.
Thu May 21 23:43:08 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: News, why do you need so much negative attention? ..Did your nannies ignore you, too?
Thu May 21 23:42:55 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: If I knew just what a 'dub' was, I'd be sittin' (on the clock, not doing dickory, rub-a-dubbin my hickory) on the dock…
Thu May 21 23:41:26 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: I hope Steven Tyler succeeds on American Idol. Related: I hope Aerosmith breaks up.
Thu May 21 23:40:02 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: I heard about a book called, "The Hidden Messages in Water;" & now I kinda wish I'd read it before taking a bath with …
Thu May 21 23:39:28 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Twitter JEDpurdy JED: "Birdcalls for $800." Alex: "Cabo Wabo." JED: "What is the sound of a drunk turkey slurring h…
Thu May 21 23:39:10 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Alanis & Costello Costello: "So, Alanis, congratulations. What's your baby's name?" Alanis: "Ever." Costello: "What…
Thu May 21 23:37:13 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Not that it really matters, but..there were 3. I saw him eat one of 'em just before turning on the video camera. Who?…
Thu May 21 19:21:22 +0000 2015The only things that gets between me and my dreams are parades, trains, tripping over clear marbles, and being distracted by laser pointers.
Thu May 21 19:20:46 +0000 2015RT @Robohobot: It was when the twitter critters put the H in Google+ that the groups turned into 1 big circle-jerking Plush cluster fucking…
Thu May 21 19:20:38 +0000 2015RT @Robohobot: I did a swan dive just to make a goose duck just to tell you I did, but left my phone fuckin' way back by the truck cuz l su…
Thu May 21 19:20:26 +0000 2015RT @Robohobot: The bell's not even connected.
Thu May 21 18:36:08 +0000 2015RT @sexoutthecity: Your skepticism about the earth being hollow makes it impossible for me to explain anything to you.
Thu May 21 18:35:52 +0000 2015RT @sexoutthecity: Lab guy broke up 'Me vs. the Monkeys' morning shit fight. "Poop! You can't handle the poop!" Not sure what his fucking…
Thu May 21 18:35:46 +0000 2015RT @sexoutthecity: Haven't liked bugs since my parents sang Love Me Do song to me as a kid after strawberry fields surrounding blueberry hi…
Thu May 21 18:12:26 +0000 2015RT @freaksong: I first started pressing my luck working at the dry cleaners as a teenager.
Thu May 21 18:12:16 +0000 2015RT @freaksong: It's not so much pain at the pump as it is aggravation. Mainly because of this rock in my sock.
Thu May 21 18:12:02 +0000 2015RT @freaksong: The aliens in my head say I have no right to fuss since they pay rent. I asked them on what planet are dumb ideas currency.
Thu May 21 18:11:50 +0000 2015RT @freaksong: As for the birds and bees, I got nothing. All I know is that from a dragon, fire flies. Write that down. Or remember it, & s…
Thu May 21 18:11:34 +0000 2015RT @freaksong: Why’s my tweet crying? Because I spoke my mind. I’m not supposed to write shit jokes that bite ass for piss rhymes. Ok. Fine…
Thu May 21 18:11:21 +0000 2015RT @freaksong: The way to kick bad habits is to take 'em off & leave 'em off, I told all the nuns.* *the young, sloppy naughty hotties & t…
Thu May 21 18:10:08 +0000 2015RT @BathtubAnarchy: I had hoped to attain the self-realized mind of God. Instead, I ended up with the mind of Todd. Todd's an ass.
Thu May 21 18:09:57 +0000 2015RT @BathtubAnarchy: As kid, due to white carpet spills, church switched from red to white grape juice. With symbolism lost, I still faithfu…
Thu May 21 18:09:36 +0000 2015RT @BathtubAnarchy: My real-life balls just drove a golf cartoon into a lake looking for a putter.
Thu May 21 18:09:33 +0000 2015RT @BathtubAnarchy: She said to look over my shoulder. Said she was over there in the distance. Said she was way beyond Awesome. I told he…
Thu May 21 18:09:18 +0000 2015RT @BathtubAnarchy: If we really landed on the moon, then I pity the fool playing billiards in the pool.
Thu May 21 18:09:04 +0000 2015RT @BathtubAnarchy: Was thinking how working's for the birds. And how I'm most likely a duck. And how if I were a dodo, I'd be extinct. A…
Thu May 21 18:08:59 +0000 2015RT @BathtubAnarchy: I didn't mind that my cat was getting high off nutmeg. But, I was upset he used my glass bong without asking.
Thu May 21 18:08:36 +0000 2015RT @BathtubAnarchy: "Adam & Eve's godson, Steve-O Don Tebow, leaves garden repo & dinosaur-jumping gazebos & becomes Jerusalem’s #1 slumlor…
Thu May 21 18:08:33 +0000 2015RT @BathtubAnarchy: "The horseradish all smells the same." ~Zeppelin, probably
Thu May 21 18:08:15 +0000 2015RT @PopularityStars: Her problems all started with a hesitation sensation she got from staying in the field that night with Linus waiting o…
Thu May 21 18:08:12 +0000 2015RT @PopularityStars: It wasn't so much seeing how the Amazon women's boobs were all fake moon landings that made the movie so trippy. It w…
Thu May 21 18:08:04 +0000 2015RT @PopularityStars: Ever since we lowered the bar, the bugs have all been nothing but disruptively loud and pushy.
Thu May 21 18:07:59 +0000 2015RT @PopularityStars: My neighbor has quite a way with the women. He brings all the cops to the yard.. And occasionally even one of their h…
Thu May 21 18:07:46 +0000 2015RT @PopularityStars: I broke down and sobbed for humanity after I read approximately infinity of the world's worst tweets. Then, I realize…
Thu May 21 18:07:41 +0000 2015RT @PopularityStars: birdbrain tweets boasts skills? hoax joke all hat no cowboy shirt skirt chirp chirp burp Squawker Texts with Stranger…
Thu May 21 18:07:34 +0000 2015RT @PopularityStars: If we really landed on the moon, then why'd you hafta go and piss off Buzz?
Thu May 21 18:07:28 +0000 2015RT @PopularityStars: On the bright side, a glare comes from my underwear and, um,.. Some wonder just what's up down there.
Thu May 21 18:07:22 +0000 2015RT @PopularityStars: "It is the ordinary woman who knows something about love; the gorgeous ones are too busy being gorgeous." ~Katherine H…
Thu May 21 18:06:57 +0000 2015RT @PopularityStars: I used to label people a lot, but then I lost my fancy stamper.
Thu May 21 18:06:47 +0000 2015RT @PopularityStars: Hit a fly on my head & destroyed an alien civilization. Some escaped & swung down & swooped my cards' diamonds & made…
Thu May 21 18:06:38 +0000 2015RT @PopularityStars: Post-modern swiping technology between the sheet in the streets sheet in the streets everybody be careful sheet in the…
Thu May 21 18:06:21 +0000 2015RT @xoldjed: This tweet is spastic. It chooses paper, then plastic, plastic. Plastic p-p-paper, er, plastic. This tweet's asking to get its…
Thu May 21 18:06:00 +0000 2015RT @xoldjed: Jed the Rapper? JED: "I kick his little ass like a burrito.. I put the knockout (KO) in Don King; turn him into Donkey Kong.…
Thu May 21 18:05:43 +0000 2015RT @xoldjed: Just found out song says, 'Hell is for Children', not Mildred. Sure wish I coulda told grandma I was wrong before she passed…
Thu May 21 18:05:29 +0000 2015RT @xoldjed: Long legs up to her ears, I see her thru balls to my nose & climb out, uncreepy-like, & go say hi, so hot mama by McDonald's P…
Thu May 21 18:04:17 +0000 2015My blog isn't set up for stranger comments.
Thu May 21 17:55:05 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: After hearing there once were farting contests in ancient Japan for loudest & longest, something happened.. All my th…
Thu May 21 17:55:03 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: Snatch who? No. Catch. You know. It's a Catch 22. Successful tweets must contain boobs & vaginas, but the truth is: Th…
Thu May 21 17:54:46 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: "Correction: I was on the grass, now I'm in the bleachers." ~the lunatic, probably
Thu May 21 17:54:44 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: Says he’ll kick my butt if I call him dull turd again but he’s old and slow and sure has short legs.. Isn’t that righ…
Thu May 21 17:54:29 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: She interviewed me, & asked if I needed assistance. ME: After I slip it past the goalie & bang the bum slowly, I just…
Thu May 21 17:54:25 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: It's not as natural as gravel that's groveling every time it sees a wobbling weevil head bobbling. You're just a whine…
Thu May 21 17:54:18 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: I lost over an hour this morning. Spent the rest of the day looking for it. Lost a bunch more hours searching.. Final…
Thu May 21 17:53:07 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: The lunatic is on the grass. Talking to lawnmower. Saying crazy shit. "Patience, grass chopper." "In my snatch, the pebb…
Thu May 21 17:52:46 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Jonathan Livingston Seagullpaca? or Steven Seagalpaca? You can't say neither and you can't say both. Nope. Also no.
Thu May 21 17:51:03 +0000 2015RT @dirtyrhymes: Her mine. His hers. Soda spills. Words slur. Tweet-wraps her soul with laughter on his velociraptor.. She comes as the ma…
Thu May 21 17:50:29 +0000 2015RT @dirtyrhymes: "O give me yer chrome say she suck all way home if me please no overgrown toenail poem of clippers, slippers & dipper zipp…
Thu May 21 17:50:21 +0000 2015RT @dirtyrhymes: Menus. Kids drew. Bathroom. She blew. Fed on Fred until he cream-filled her head. [back at table] "9 waffles?" "Kate ju…
Thu May 21 17:50:16 +0000 2015RT @dirtyrhymes: Her snores make me hard. Her snores make me come. Her snores make me wanna ejaculate into the sun, um.. Straight up. Wait…
Thu May 21 17:50:11 +0000 2015RT @dirtyrhymes: From me, every last verse she's nursing to cure her thirst, first thing.
Thu May 21 17:50:05 +0000 2015RT @dirtyrhymes: syrup had you slurrin' from the stirrups when the turnip truck hit a rock you fell off Hell on your butt Fuck & rubbe…
Thu May 21 17:49:45 +0000 2015RT @thegameneedsme: Says string on finger & * : * tattoo are reminders to consider ass to risk ratio before dating me again. asterisk, get…
Thu May 21 17:49:28 +0000 2015RT @thegameneedsme: 🎶 When I can't jump in, and I can't hop in.. if I'm gonna be a shower skipper, ..then I've got nothin'. 🎶
Thu May 21 17:49:21 +0000 2015RT @thegameneedsme: "Picture me, rolling." ~Yoda, as a young Jedi oil painting, can't figure out how a rocking chair works
Thu May 21 17:49:11 +0000 2015RT @thegameneedsme: It only takes one bunnilingus joke for PETA to no longer let you stand on its platform holding up a sign.
Thu May 21 17:48:57 +0000 2015RT @thegameneedsme: I've about had it with Joan & Melissa giving me shit about my outfits. Was bad enough having my ass harassed. Now, I'…
Thu May 21 17:48:45 +0000 2015RT @thegameneedsme: Pass out it, I'm open it.
Thu May 21 17:48:40 +0000 2015RT @thegameneedsme: I told her she could put her 50 shades of cray away, and then went and just bought the lamp separately.
Thu May 21 17:48:20 +0000 2015RT @thegameneedsme: If you're referring to the chimp, then I'm afraid I can't help you. You'll hafta learn how to blow Bubbles by yourself.
Thu May 21 17:48:15 +0000 2015RT @thegameneedsme: With full balls. Wait. Lemme rephrase. Their song played. Sex & Candy. From his home run swing, he ate some cake. Ironi…
Thu May 21 17:48:10 +0000 2015RT @thegameneedsme: It’s not my fault my tweets fall on dumb eyes is what my thumb would never type out right now for my followers to see a…
Thu May 21 17:47:37 +0000 2015RT @thegameneedsme: Got excited thinking you were going to put on a fancy skirt made entirely out of those disposable plastic fork/spoon co…
Thu May 21 17:47:34 +0000 2015RT @thegameneedsme: Twitter's spirit animal is a copycat. Copy that, Roger. Over. Copy what? B-b-bend over, Rover. What? I think you ha…
Thu May 21 17:47:17 +0000 2015RT @thegameneedsme: Not all juggalos are juggalos.
Thu May 21 17:39:04 +0000 2015RT @protolalia: Pretty exciting to think that Harriet Tubman might soon be on the new $15.60 dollar bill.
Thu May 21 17:38:49 +0000 2015RT @protolalia: There's no delicate way to ask your mother if she ever had sex with Captain Beefheart.
Thu May 21 17:38:44 +0000 2015RT @PopularityStars: Well, of course, you won't find a rabbit hiding inside of a hat like that. You're saying the magic words all wrong. It…
Thu May 21 17:37:39 +0000 2015RT @Alpacapulco: Are you sure it's here? I didn't know there'd be so much drama in the Louisiana Baptist Convention? What does 'straight ou…
Thu May 21 17:37:26 +0000 2015RT @Alpacapulco: the way it works is you calm down
Thu May 21 17:37:24 +0000 2015RT @Alpacapulco: The helmet for the most part's just for show.
Thu May 21 17:37:22 +0000 2015RT @Alpacapulco: Scroll into it.
Thu May 21 17:37:18 +0000 2015RT @Alpacapulco: I don’t mean to brag, but sometimes it takes a special kind of idiot.
Thu May 21 17:37:13 +0000 2015RT @Alpacapulco: "I'm a llama-llama-llama-llama-llama chameleon.." ~alpacas, probably
Thu May 21 17:20:57 +0000 2015RT @grapesoduh: "His name's short for The Sphincter. He was the brown-nosing ass-kisser to the gods until a face injury." This tour guide'…
Thu May 21 17:20:40 +0000 2015RT @grapesoduh: Never got over a missed college booty call. "The Knights Who Say Ni" were the visitor's words I heard.. And, I didn't let …
Thu May 21 17:20:37 +0000 2015RT @grapesoduh: Attached CB radio device to the dog's leash. And you won't believe what I heard. "Hi. First time listener. Long time colla…
Thu May 21 17:19:32 +0000 2015RT @Dumbassador: "1, 2.. Swashbuckled my shoe." ~clumsy baby pirate
Thu May 21 17:18:38 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: Heart shaped box of daylight chutney named night courtney love me do ya.. Booyah.
Thu May 21 17:18:19 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: To quote Sam Kinison: "If I were a doctor which I'm not. Unless you count witch doctor.." Only the alpaca, Damien, is…
Thu May 21 17:17:56 +0000 2015RT @Wonderwaltz: Hopped up on pop. Limo Rick drove trucks. Picked up fucks ..from those who give it. Twitter asked about it. A duck mask…
Thu May 21 17:17:47 +0000 2015RT @Wonderwaltz: "Ok, so, let's try some word association." "Sexy." Alpaca. "Brilliant." Alpaca. "Therapy is not a game." ~frustrated …


RT @Wonderwaltz: Hopped up on pop. Limo Rick drove trucks. Picked up fucks ..from those who give it. Twitter asked about it. A duck mask…
Thu May 21 17:17:47 +0000 2015RT @Wonderwaltz: "Ok, so, let's try some word association." "Sexy." Alpaca. "Brilliant." Alpaca. "Therapy is not a game." ~frustrated …
Thu May 21 17:17:28 +0000 2015RT @Cameltoga: My problem with that great idea was a bunch of poo getting on bananas by the bunch & bananas getting all over the walls, I t…
Thu May 21 17:17:19 +0000 2015RT @Cameltoga: My misspelling of words so that spambots won't follow me has backfired. Now, I've got the fuck up robot school English flunk…
Thu May 21 17:17:03 +0000 2015RT @Cameltoga: "All eyez on me." ~Alpaca Maru Shakur
Thu May 21 07:36:47 +0000 2015RT @gotMeh: "If I had a ham, or beans, or a potato, they'd be baked like me." -Pete Seeger gets munchies, loses rough draft (from that famo…
Thu May 21 07:36:32 +0000 2015RT @gotMeh: When it's as cold as a witch's tit, the tip I can cool coffee perfect with. Too bad there's no good way for me and you to marke…
Thu May 21 07:36:14 +0000 2015RT @Alpacapulco: Just because the pancakes taste like they're made of kangaroo batter doesn't mean they're from IHOP. They maybe came from …
Thu May 21 07:36:11 +0000 2015RT @gotMeh: If I were aboard the original Love Boat, my shoes wouldn't be so sticky and I wouldn't hafta keep feeding it quarters to keep o…
Thu May 21 07:35:47 +0000 2015RT @Ticklemeelzebub: "I wasn't cut out to be a father." ~origami mom with a misleading boy haircut, probably
Thu May 21 07:35:40 +0000 2015RT @gotMeh: Have you tried overreacting? Actually, if you haven't yet, don't. Everything's gonna be ok.
Thu May 21 07:35:29 +0000 2015RT @Wonderwaltz: If every time I said I kid, was cuz I did. I gave birth. That'd be weird.
Thu May 21 07:35:26 +0000 2015RT @Crossjostle: Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.
Thu May 21 07:35:13 +0000 2015RT @TheBookofTweet: Whaddya get if you throw a colorblind gorilla into a can of purple fizzy liquid with an ape? Oh, so close. The answer…
Thu May 21 07:35:10 +0000 2015RT @TheBookofTweet: I don't mind following you, but.. You coulda warned me about that branch.
Thu May 21 07:34:39 +0000 2015RT @Wonderwaltz: Was headed for the poorhouse, but the bank already foreclosed on it. Which was good. Still sucks that potholes ruined my t…
Thu May 21 07:34:33 +0000 2015RT @Midwipe: Found a message in a bottle. It read: "Whatever you do, just don't tell Sting where I am."
Thu May 21 07:34:29 +0000 2015RT @Midwipe: All I asked the guy at the store for was some space & an apostrophe to go with the supermanscape I bought earlier.
Thu May 21 07:34:25 +0000 2015RT @Wonderwaltz: I feel bad I told her my name was India. Didn’t know she was gonna write a song about me. Sorry about that, Alanis.
Thu May 21 07:34:21 +0000 2015RT @Midwipe: After studying world history all afternoon, it occurred to me, once condensed, it's basically really just the pilot episode of…
Thu May 21 07:34:14 +0000 2015RT @tweetspraylove: We are all fruit flies and twitter is a mushy banana.
Thu May 21 07:34:05 +0000 2015RT @BathtubAnarchy: I always keep guessing wrong which way the bats are about to turn.
Thu May 21 07:33:59 +0000 2015RT @freaksong: Every time my travels take me around the world, it occurs to me how much easier it would've been if I had just turned left.
Thu May 21 07:33:14 +0000 2015RT @LightCarnival: Shoe, juggalos & juggalettes, shoe. typo: shoo typo: alpacas typo: shoo
Thu May 21 07:33:04 +0000 2015RT @Cameltoga: I do my best monkey work when I'm on the clock. And, if the 3 blind mice tell you I sat on their heads, it's because they we…
Thu May 21 07:33:00 +0000 2015RT @Crossjostle: a b c d e f g h i'm not really sure how many letters this tweet actually needs since it's not like I have a stamp or anyth…
Thu May 21 07:32:50 +0000 2015RT @PlantanaMontana: When a tweet joke doesn't work I usually try to dodge blame by saying its job got outsourced by a company that got a t…
Thu May 21 07:32:41 +0000 2015RT @tweetspraylove: The only reason I wear underwear is so you know which superhero I am.
Thu May 21 07:32:39 +0000 2015RT @grapesoduh: Got Rudolph a clown car and I taught him how to juggle. All the other reindeer unfollowed him, but he didn't care. Santa se…
Thu May 21 07:32:33 +0000 2015RT @Midwipe: The reason I'm on twitter is because my pee is dirty and my credit's crap.
Thu May 21 07:32:21 +0000 2015RT @PlantanaMontana: Tiring, half-retired, holy twitter name misspeller while the spirit child of inner Aspie baby's been praising in amazi…
Thu May 21 07:32:18 +0000 2015RT @PlantanaMontana: There are a million right ways to look at things. Yours isn't the millionth and one.
Thu May 21 07:32:10 +0000 2015RT @PlantanaMontana: You can love it when a tweet comes together only long enough to realize that what sounds dirty actually also implies a…
Thu May 21 07:32:01 +0000 2015RT @Midwipe: I call your crazy. And, I raise.
Thu May 21 07:31:59 +0000 2015RT @Midwipe: My Y's must look like S's, I guess. It must have been the sign that brought all the girls to my yard: Free Yemen
Thu May 21 07:31:56 +0000 2015RT @Midwipe: "That's hard core," Adam thought to himself, as Eve bounced the remains of her apple off his forehead.
Thu May 21 07:31:52 +0000 2015RT @PlantanaMontana: Just got off the phone with Meat Loaf. He says he’s still not willing to share his crayons for love.
Thu May 21 07:31:46 +0000 2015RT @FarmlandFresh: If you are what you eat, and a squirrel eats nuts, then that would make a squirrel.. nuts. And what I ate would make me…
Thu May 21 07:31:32 +0000 2015RT @MinervasDiner: My yoga instructor is an alpaca that refuses to say, "Llamaste." But, she's supposed to say it. It says so in the pamphl…
Thu May 21 07:31:28 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: As a hat. I suck at saying it fast 10 times real quick.
Thu May 21 07:31:23 +0000 2015RT @FarmlandFresh: "I'm in love... Llama believer. Bambalamba love. Llama believer." ~Gorillaz* *not Gorillaz
Thu May 21 07:31:19 +0000 2015RT @grapesoduh: Did you check with the alpacas and the llamas?
Thu May 21 07:30:22 +0000 2015RT @PlantanaMontana: It's called the Alpacarena, and the dance is totally different.
Thu May 21 07:30:19 +0000 2015RT @LightCarnival: Haven’t the foggiest idea what it was that inspired the Alpacarena song. Deep is the mind of a choreographer claiming th…
Wed May 20 09:00:29 +0000 2015Alanis Morissette, Love, Emotions, You, and Me http://t.co/uMxuNkrBed
Tue May 19 20:01:07 +0000 20155 Helpful Answers To Society's Most Uncomfortable Que...  http://t.co/GIgEW5PNYu
Tue May 19 19:59:36 +0000 20155 Ways Kids' Toys Are Shockingly Good At Teaching Sexism - In my...  http://t.co/RFqgOzhRx9
Tue May 19 06:39:53 +0000 20154 Amazing Stories Behind the Most WTF Photos from History ...  http://t.co/Rd9HH1AMVU
Tue May 19 06:39:37 +0000 20157 Creepy Ways Corporations Are Turning You Into an Addict...  http://t.co/tkTSNA0y24
Tue May 19 06:38:53 +0000 20155 Bizarre Things Your Body Does (Explained by ...  http://t.co/BfC4VLAsve
Tue May 19 06:38:14 +0000 20155 Black Friday Myths the Media Wants You to Believe...  http://t.co/TRShg47yt1
Tue May 19 06:37:25 +0000 20155 Ridiculous Modern Fashions With Badas...  http://t.co/FQ461RDUPF
Tue May 19 06:37:10 +0000 20154 Things People Mistakenly Think Are Automatically ...  http://t.co/2FMOozudQo
Tue May 19 06:36:03 +0000 20158 Words You're Confusing With Other Words - Everyone spells words wrong...  http://t.co/jBrnmyf6Wg
Tue May 19 06:35:52 +0000 2015The 6 Cutest Animals That Can Still Destroy You -  ...  http://t.co/wT3JwUPTZy
Tue May 19 06:35:29 +0000 20157 Bizarre Early Versions of Famous Characters - It's eas...  http://t.co/iKOcjoMux9
Tue May 19 06:34:56 +0000 20155 Hilariously Bad Ideas That Actually So...  http://t.co/K523r83V56
Tue May 19 06:34:44 +0000 2015The 6 Strangest Previous Careers of Famous Musici...  http://t.co/JKy7KdayQh
Tue May 19 06:34:20 +0000 20155 Insignificant Things That Determine W...  http://t.co/uGJ4q4Kqbl
Tue May 19 06:32:50 +0000 20157 Scientific Reasons You'll Turn Out Jus...  http://t.co/In0b8Qzsxv
Tue May 19 06:31:45 +0000 20153 Kinds of People the Internet Accidentally Invented - The Interne...  http://t.co/Z6h4dD4eBM
Tue May 19 06:31:22 +0000 2015The 10 Most Improbable Celebrity Fistfights -  Celebrit...  http://t.co/YPJ6muSsZ8
Tue May 19 06:30:42 +0000 20155 Hallmarks of Bad Parenting That Are Actuall...  http://t.co/dV8U2lt8C0
Tue May 19 06:30:08 +0000 20155 Jobs Everyone in the World Should Have at Some Point - I do...  http://t.co/xJxhJuWyv3
Tue May 19 06:29:09 +0000 2015The 6 Stupidest Internet Reactions To Shocking News ...  http://t.co/BWdaVWOm0Q
Tue May 19 06:27:23 +0000 20157 Silver Linings Now That You've Lost Your Job - It w...  http://t.co/fWudq6UDY6
Tue May 19 06:19:49 +0000 20156 Obnoxious Assumptions Hollywood Makes About Women - People...  http://t.co/XRFZALRf9o
Tue May 19 06:19:05 +0000 20155 Artistic Geniuses Who Only Became Gre...  http://t.co/QKqqp9q3qr
Tue May 19 06:15:52 +0000 20154 Reasons We've Stopped Trusting the Media - OR: 4 Reasons You're Not Goin...  http://t.co/wyhkJR2kBY
Tue May 19 06:13:49 +0000 20154 Reasons Not to Use Stolen Images to Make a P...  http://t.co/E2tbQRyAQi
Tue May 19 06:12:49 +0000 2015The 5 Most Impressive Things Built by On...  http://t.co/kj50XxBtcg
Tue May 19 06:10:59 +0000 20156 Reasons We're Closer To Discovering Al...  http://t.co/DkygFZBFaQ
Tue May 19 06:10:27 +0000 20158 Actors Who Do The Same Exact Thing On Every M...  http://t.co/NAhgxID8S5
Tue May 19 06:07:25 +0000 20155 Famous Musicians Who Need To Retire - Apparently, the rock star equivale...  http://t.co/qoX4O2Z1LC
Tue May 19 06:07:04 +0000 20155 True Stories That Will Restore Your ...  http://t.co/9f8aifkino
Tue May 19 06:01:07 +0000 20154 Crazy Reasons Classic Albums Almost Never Got Made - Maki...  http://t.co/7gDxR0MRFm
Tue May 19 05:59:34 +0000 2015The 5 Most Baffling Celebrity Cameos in Pro W...  http://t.co/pDMqo7Gd9w
Tue May 19 05:58:48 +0000 2015The 5 Worst Attempts to Start a Catchphrase in Rap Hist...  http://t.co/YZSgWDOeZC
Tue May 19 05:57:53 +0000 20157 People Who Risked It All to Achieve (Very...  http://t.co/leB40VJMqk
Tue May 19 05:56:24 +0000 20155 Grossly Inappropriate Jokes Hidden in ...  http://t.co/jUo8FfnbtV
Tue May 19 05:55:51 +0000 20157 Animals That Are Evolving Right Before Our Eyes...  http://t.co/lW5ssxTutL
Mon May 18 07:39:41 +0000 2015"Here we are now. Feed me." ~cat sings chorus to its favorite Purrvana song
Mon May 18 07:24:29 +0000 2015Kanye West Performs ‘All Day’ and ‘Black Skinhead’ at 2015 Billboard Music Awards [VIDEO] http://t.co/Wu0Qx07Let @theboombox
Mon May 18 07:22:38 +0000 2015RT @protolalia: It's okay to lie to spare someone's feelings or if the reason you're late to work involves "Baby rocks out to heavy metal" …
Mon May 18 07:22:28 +0000 2015RT @protolalia: I have better things to worry about than other people's opinions of me, such as other people's cats' opinions of me.
Mon May 18 07:22:10 +0000 2015RT @protolalia: Can't wait to see pics of what the royal baby wore to her birth.
Mon May 18 07:22:05 +0000 2015RT @protolalia: Went outside at 3am to see a wild bobcat and got scared out of my wits by a 2ft statue of a frog.
Mon May 18 07:21:46 +0000 2015RT @protolalia: Americans believe we invented the concept of being famous for doing nothing as if the British royal family hasn't been arou…
Mon May 18 07:21:32 +0000 2015RT @protolalia: America would be a better nation if we had a baby princess running things.
Mon May 18 07:21:28 +0000 2015RT @protolalia: According to Cosmo, treating him to a 20 minute chicken-head nightlight shadow puppet play is a surefire way to drive your …
Mon May 18 07:21:19 +0000 2015RT @protolalia: "Eels exposed to low doses of cocaine may have trouble selecting sexual partners," said the wide-awake scientist with a hin…
Mon May 18 07:20:05 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Grape Soduh or Abe Vigoda? “There wouldn't be a Nickelback problem if Canada had a sales tax.” #notsure
Mon May 18 07:19:54 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: I yanked the 'kista' out of the Pakistancakes so that you could enjoy this normal breakfast. Yer welcome. Can ya pass me the …
Mon May 18 07:19:47 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: I've been contemplating the beaning of life ever since I knocked time the fuck out playing dodgeball earlier. #gsoav
Mon May 18 07:19:42 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: As I got on the escalator in outer space, contemplating what all the stars in a line meant, I felt the sun's glare & all the s…
Mon May 18 07:19:38 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Dear Diarrhea, Sorry I haven't written in you lately. To be fair, it's not all my fault. Every time I write in you, I ruin m…
Mon May 18 07:19:34 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: What kind of maniac deals from the bottom of the neck..wear, & can't deal with my scarf going to the dealer? A not full deck …
Mon May 18 07:19:31 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Breaking News: Rolling Stones replace Jagger with Mick Donald. New CD will include a song remix.. "(Can't Get No Curly Fries)…
Mon May 18 07:19:27 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Scars can't conceal what we see lyin' by the wheel as we triumph.. Scars Seal Sea lion Triumph, um.. Sea world of fantasy? …
Mon May 18 07:19:22 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Statistically, regardless of our follower counts, if we rounded off percentage who read our tweets, initially, we'd see it nea…
Mon May 18 07:19:16 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: A fly just landed in the butter and got stuck. He insists I call him a butterfly. I'm insisting the little shithead get out …
Mon May 18 07:19:12 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Nice spice girl’s sweet child of thyme? Ha. Mama’s a pig farmer. She flips for naked bacon strips & sausage slips. I’m my …
Mon May 18 07:19:06 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: "I don't see what you see in her." ~nearsighted son working as intern for his dad at gynecology office
Mon May 18 07:19:00 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: It's gonna be awesome once Twitter comes in Hi-Def to augment the drunk dumb.
Mon May 18 07:18:56 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: These tracks = a sign. "See it?" Railroad crossing? "No. An 'equals' sign from sea to shining sea = equality," said Zoloft th…
Mon May 18 07:18:53 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: There is no finer line than the one between a crazy person talking out loud to him/herself and that of a so-called normal pers…
Mon May 18 07:18:47 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: I've decided to give up my polygamist ways. Getting tired of the stares. No matter where I turn, I see.. Wives and disappo…
Mon May 18 07:18:42 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: In colonial times, 50 Cent would've been called 'four bits'. Which rhymes with what he does whenever we're battle rapping. H…
Mon May 18 07:18:39 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: I guess I'll come clean about how the audition went. It was more of a shower curtain call & I was a soap Oprah star. She was n…
Mon May 18 07:18:35 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: I just want my dog to stop singing, "I get by with a little help from my friends." I wish he had've come with a Joe Cocker sp…
Mon May 18 07:18:26 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: "This can't all be Stupid." "I think so. It's a pretty big country." [aliens from outer space trying to locate the United St…
Mon May 18 07:18:20 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: This tweet’s pee smells like genius.
Mon May 18 07:18:17 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: "Words are things, & a small drop of ink, falling like dew upon a thought, produces that which makes.. ..perhaps millions thin…
Mon May 18 07:18:14 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: My new monkeys said they love  negativity & staying up all night & daydream believers suck. So, I put 'em on the fast train t…
Mon May 18 07:18:09 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: There's gotta still be a Pony Express because I already tried, and he won't fit all the way inside the regular mailbox.
Mon May 18 07:18:06 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: My understanding is there's no Twitter rule prohibiting me from tweeting while aboard an alien spacecraft. Even if there is, I…
Mon May 18 07:18:01 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Thongs date back to Roman times when Caligula's posse called them cameltogas based on song sung by nomad chick named Sand Fran…
Mon May 18 07:17:59 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: I slowed it down when she said she wanted to take it to the next level by convincing her we should take the stairs.
Mon May 18 07:17:52 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Shakespeare never used the word, bible, in any of his works. But, he did stay at a Holiday Inn Express.
Mon May 18 07:17:49 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Piss and vinegar's why grandma's ashes were so heavy in the tin she was in; so I had her canonized. Cannon broke. Ruined cir…
Mon May 18 07:17:43 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: The real question is: How can curling in this busy downtown Edmonton intersection not boost my Canadian sweep cred, eh?
Mon May 18 07:17:40 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: V is for.. http://t.co/6JJKkIl6Se ..it is time to fly.
Mon May 18 07:17:36 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: We all live..got illegally foreclosed on by a criminal banking cartel..in a yellow submarine. Totally forgot the words. ;)
Mon May 18 07:17:32 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Jed's A Millionaire - "My Eyes Are Open" ~ http://t.co/kpO3XVA5jv ~ "If you could change the world, tell me what would you ha…
Mon May 18 07:17:26 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Kinda thought Flo from Progressive would be a bit more freaky since she's surely insured for any work-related, accidental sex …
Mon May 18 07:17:21 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: The bar had no cover. It was because of this that my drink spilled when I went to raise the roof that wasn’t there.
Mon May 18 07:17:17 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: It took 10 minutes of sitting & grinning about their new genius business idea before they both realized a 'wake n' bake sale' …
Mon May 18 07:17:12 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Got the ‘no green’ blues holes in my shoes Ain’t got a job just a filthy slobwafflefalafel But that’s yesterday’s news. # add…
Mon May 18 07:17:08 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Not my cow now. 50 banks own 2% stake, apiece. Each says milk & meat's all theirs. Won't share with the others. Told me to go …
Mon May 18 07:17:06 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Based on an odd stink you can see & the fact that I think this place is super-haunted, it's highly unlikely they woulda paved …
Mon May 18 07:17:02 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Somehow, I’m not surprised I made fish sticks on the exact same day that life stopped giving me lemons.
Mon May 18 07:16:58 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: This tweet's gonna raise its hands in the air because it just don't care..about no proper grammar. And, it also can't see the…
Mon May 18 07:16:55 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Tried preaching to the choir, but I don’t think anybody heard me. None of them would shut the hell up. They just kept on sin…
Mon May 18 07:16:52 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: I wonder how many tweets I can write while this pilot, here, at my feet, has an episode which I already announced I wasn’t goi…
Mon May 18 07:16:48 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: "Adam & Eve's godson, Steve-O Don Tebow, leaves garden repo & dinosaur-jumping gazebos & becomes Jerusalem’s #1 slumlord." ~fr…
Mon May 18 07:16:42 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: RT @sexoutthecity: Kellee Maize - Third Eye http://t.co/PTTMH0qN2U (music video)
Mon May 18 07:16:38 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: I'm starting to get tired of looking for my car so I'm going to sit down right here and draw in the dirt with this stick. Uhh…
Mon May 18 07:16:34 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Whenever me and Krishnamurti go snorkeling, he still gets all deep. Even in the kidding pool. Yes, I know I just used poor gr…
Mon May 18 07:16:29 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: A scenic route out to lunch takes us to a place too tough to be traced. In empty space noodles, strudel-stuffed faces must tru…
Mon May 18 07:16:25 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: MT @protolalia: "If women can breastfeed in public, it shouldn't be a crime to whip my dick out to piss" Made a new friend in…
Mon May 18 07:16:14 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: I told the pets to bring all complaints to their union rep. They said they didn't have one because I'd promoted him to managem…
Mon May 18 07:16:09 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Twitter has no rules is no excuse to be a douche. Ask yourself this: If my dumb ass talks shit from some glass bathroom, what …
Mon May 18 07:15:56 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: And so this dog walked into a bark..
Mon May 18 07:15:54 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Having stared at this wall all day, I've yet to have figured out which brick I am. Mainly because the thickest one isn't also…
Mon May 18 07:15:50 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Always remember, no matter what anybody else says.. It's quite possible you're the worst twitterer ever.
Mon May 18 07:15:46 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: You can hear the nuts saying the beaver's acting squirrelly, and the beaver telling the nuts they're nuts. "Nuts, shut up!" …
Mon May 18 07:15:42 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: So much goes over my head. I might as well be knee-high to a grasshopper. What? You did not just say, "Standing on a ladder…
Mon May 18 07:15:34 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Got kicked outta rehab because I didn't believe in relapse. Me thinks the sensitive counselors doth protest & get pissed off a…
Mon May 18 07:15:28 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: The most important things I've learned in life, only me & one other guy knew. But, I forgot it all; & I can't get Ozzy to answ…
Mon May 18 07:15:26 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: This tweet is being held up by TSA agents. One can only assume they're looking up my kilt in the hopes of locating their own s…
Mon May 18 07:15:20 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: If boobs were a hangar, and I was a clean shirt, then... (Wait for it.) I'd be hung up on boobs.
Mon May 18 07:14:47 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: I'm part of a joint task force of soldiers & aliens riding trains thru an underground tunnel network. Well, they're smoking. …
Mon May 18 07:14:35 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Yo Taylor I’m really happy for you. Imma let you finish but Beyonce had one of the best lost twitter alpacas alpacalypse video…
Mon May 18 07:14:27 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: My unsubscribe button is in my pants. I'm not wearing pants.
Mon May 18 07:14:15 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: I taught my dog to shake. He got it on my shoe.
Mon May 18 07:14:07 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Trap-eazy E wasn't strapped, and that pretty much explains the splat. Worry not. I'm sure he'll be fine and back up on the lin…
Mon May 18 07:14:03 +0000 2015RT @Yeezeus: Often feel like King Ralph right before he found out. When I do, I make a t-shirt, but.. Today, I beat The Dude street-sofa ra…
Mon May 18 07:13:27 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: I was pointing out something stupid. And, it bit me. #ftwot
Mon May 18 07:13:05 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: "I guess I got way too baked," the Captain said. "Was thinking, Puff, Puff, Push." And, that's how Ms. Palin ended up i…
Mon May 18 07:12:47 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Wrote down all the failed attempts at being funny tweets that you all did, but I soon ran out of paper.. And, then Oreg…
Mon May 18 07:12:41 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Yes, Genie Genietsche, I heard Phil Collins is quitting music. But, I asked you for this in '81. It should only cost me…
Mon May 18 07:12:36 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: If the cast of Glee falls on Chuck Norris & doesn't make a sound, I should drag his ass into the forest & karate chop a …
Mon May 18 07:12:32 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: When my life recycles a truth and gets a stupid flat, I start walking.. Sometimes I might look for shade, and just sit …
Mon May 18 07:12:28 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: My master key to the Universe broke off in the lock, & since it's already after 5 on Friday, um; never mind. Really don'…
Mon May 18 07:12:23 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Had strange dream. Dreamt I was only guy on Earth who'd basically figured out women. Awoke, as angel muttered: "Yeah, g…
Mon May 18 07:12:03 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: The only reason this blue goat won't say 'Cheese' is because he thinks I didn't bring my camera.
Mon May 18 07:12:00 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: This AP testing has me guessing.. C) none of the above I am an unqualified monkey of love. A) maybe B) apey? :)
Mon May 18 07:11:56 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Someday, once lopsided is the new straight, I'll be the one at the mall yelling, 'Forward, never straight, ya bastards!"…
Mon May 18 07:11:52 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Surprisingly realized the hat tips I'd thought gods & goddesses gave me were just them saving their sombreros from blowi…
Mon May 18 07:11:46 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Apparently, being transparent and finally admitting all the villages in the world outsourced their job as idiot to me is…
Mon May 18 07:11:43 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Twitter Elite is a polite way to say spam.
Mon May 18 07:11:38 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: I'm not so sure that my Smart phone really is, and get this.. Autocorrect insists your Smart car's wrong.
Mon May 18 07:11:33 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: I keep mixing up the hosts of travel & eating shows with celebrity chefs. Because I don't pay really pay attention. # i…
Mon May 18 07:11:24 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: I’d never say those of us who tweet are wannabe Kardashians, hipsters &/or life coaches with barely functioning whistles…
Mon May 18 07:11:14 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Casino goons just detained & warned me against pulling any similar stunts to last time when I bought a fan in Reno. Jus…
Mon May 18 07:11:11 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Who pays extra for the real stuff when they run outta shampoo? I do. So do you. Read that again. Just kidding. But, …
Mon May 18 07:11:02 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: The shit-for-brains expert's realization that he might survive the night was right. Ends up he just had gas. That brain…
Mon May 18 07:10:59 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Attempted my first donkey punch today, and I missed. The next thing you know, I'm getting the shit kicked outta me by th…
Mon May 18 07:10:49 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Okay, I would've done it right, alright, had I not been facing the wrong direction; & I wouldn't have done it wrong had …
Mon May 18 07:10:44 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: the devil tree falls down and a steel pony spills Bon Jovi to the ground in a blaze of glory watch me slo-mo toss horsey…
Mon May 18 07:10:41 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Once he outgrew the stranger than fiction fondle danger movies he viewed as a youth, the young man knew he could handle …
Mon May 18 07:10:37 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Was reading, "You Can Heal Your Life," by Louise Hay. 'Diddle yer skittle' was cure for her migraines. Must be a new m…
Mon May 18 07:10:34 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: I can’t believe the TSA airport gropers only offered me a 5% discount if I let ‘em do their extra deep probing. I would…
Mon May 18 07:10:30 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: I lost them when I scrambled thru that last yellow.. light. So, now I'm tweeting slowly until all my egg followers.. K…
Mon May 18 07:10:24 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: So-called civilized folks belittle the nonsense we proudly tweet, saying we’re littering. Just throwing that out there.
Mon May 18 07:10:17 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: no great machine the universe is butt one big thought
Mon May 18 07:10:15 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: "I could use a few Z's." ~tired pizza sign guy
Mon May 18 07:10:11 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: “I’ve got too much thyme on my hands,” the renegade told the blue collar man. “That’s why I can’t pick up chicks within …
Mon May 18 07:10:06 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Reality's a technicality; a poophole loophole. So, we go to recess to feel the secret beat. Our stweet cred's fueled by …
Mon May 18 07:10:02 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: In parking lot, bumping Will Smith beats. Busy auction synchronicity. Blue dress of Ms. Lewinsky. Knew I'd win it. Even…
Mon May 18 07:09:57 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: I just can’t get serious, so beware my touch screen behavior. The only people who lived on my street moved to get away f…
Mon May 18 07:09:46 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Fine. Was a bad, drunken shot. Fine. I know ball broke a window, tipped candle & burned down the clubhouse. But, I used …
Mon May 18 07:09:43 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: “This is the Send All, my friends,” ~Jim Morrison, on some ancient highway pretending his play toy cash register is a co…
Mon May 18 07:09:34 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: I climbed the highest mountain only to find that it was actually just super drunk. Again. Like last time. I always forge…
Mon May 18 07:09:29 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Forget the sun & everyone in Beatles songs all coming together. Have the shaman send better weather, & stop calling me …
Mon May 18 07:09:24 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Crushed band - 'Further Down' https://t.co/6cGCGx9h2f
Mon May 18 07:09:20 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: It’s hard to go balls deep when your girlfriend is a cartoon character.
Mon May 18 07:09:13 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Farmville now allows for the odd conjugal visit, I heard, so I stopped by yesterday. Said hi to my girlfriend, & then fu…
Mon May 18 07:09:11 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Status: Wearing my King Ding Dong shirt. Like a boss.
Mon May 18 07:09:00 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: I'm sorry. There's not room for any more superheroes in this popsicle stand. You're going to tip it over & break it & …
Mon May 18 07:08:47 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: I usually just kid around. Except for that time when you & me got in a straight line & did the limbo with aboriginal hy…
Mon May 18 07:08:42 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: I'm going off the rails in a gravy boat. Thugstyle.
Mon May 18 07:08:37 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: I'm kinda glad that I don't get too many stars on Twitter. It could go to my head. And then bite too hard when I come..
Mon May 18 07:08:33 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: "Picturing your desire without actually assuming the feeling of the wish fulfilled is the fallacy and mirage of mankind.…
Mon May 18 07:08:04 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Weird Al conspiracy music video http://t.co/Roq07Wk9ex ..courtesy of @protolalia
Mon May 18 07:07:50 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: On the bright side, I get overheated in all my dress outfits.
Mon May 18 07:07:44 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Used to break up fights cuz I was a dumbass who thought he knew kung fu. The crazy guy in those dog line-ups at the poun…
Mon May 18 07:07:38 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Current Status: dancing on the blurry edge separating order & chaos Also hopping on one leg with pants 69% of the way o…
Mon May 18 07:07:35 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: I learned there are 15 common logical fallacies. Of those, my doggy stylist & GF is an expert in 7 & a black belt in 8. …
Mon May 18 07:07:32 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Using the ground as Ouija board, he pees the Spirit’s message. Using the yard as canvas, he craps a Pollock painting. …
Mon May 18 07:07:28 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Worse than the wet socks soaked by firehose I wear are those old burnt britches in the drawers of Bigfoot's love cabin's…
Mon May 18 07:07:24 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: A recent blind study of mice has shown that sound science is squeaky.
Mon May 18 07:07:22 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Insane's a 12 Step race to hell for incurable yet insurable word turd help. At a meeting place that named itself by rhym…
Mon May 18 07:07:17 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Played in the Gulf of Aden with Ziggy. Stayed in a cool room with a view. On a pirate ship, we saw crazy shit.. Star me…
Mon May 18 07:07:12 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: It's like I've got a lil' red wagon of nagging, draggin' right behind me. I'm not even pulling. I wish I was a dragon & …
Mon May 18 07:07:09 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: His behavior wasn't accepted after getting his weiner stuck in the register while paying the piper in caribou with his l…
Mon May 18 07:07:01 +0000 2015RT @Diaperogative: Kid sings; climbs crib; leaves. "Penitentiary chances the devil dances & eventually answers to the call of autumn." wt…
Mon May 18 07:06:28 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Kanye West and Jay Z http://t.co/wBZkyatry9 Who Gon Stop Me
Mon May 18 07:06:24 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: http://t.co/eaePXwN96D
Mon May 18 07:06:02 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Let me try to understand this with an example, instead. Mozart is to classical music as Britney is to.. Popsicle music?
Mon May 18 07:05:57 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: This walking thing some of you do for some reason.. I tried it. I've got a question. Why wasn't there a crowd cheering a…
Mon May 18 07:05:53 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: But without money, how would I ever know you’re better than me? By your shirt? Sorry. I can’t read it. Both my ass and my …
Mon May 18 07:05:49 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Splashing fashion like a famous projects runway gangsta.. At reverse osmosis dance class, my tap shoes get a bad rap; & I …
Mon May 18 07:05:24 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Ever since cell phone towers disguised as palm trees made my iPod songs all shuffle wrong, I can pee answers into the wind…
Mon May 18 07:05:14 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Waited to get picked up outside my friend, Quinn's almighty igloo all damn nighty. *sigh* But, Manfred Mann never came fo…
Mon May 18 07:05:10 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: If I knew just what a 'dub' was, I'd be sittin' on the clock not doing dickory. Rub-a-dubbin my hickory. On the dock of …
Mon May 18 07:04:44 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: It's Not About The Nail  http://t.co/H0VJXXT0WM …
Mon May 18 07:04:28 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Not sure if apartment manager meant the way I had greeted his wife, or if he was referring to my new roommate, when he sai…
Mon May 18 07:04:25 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Between the two of us, one thinks this tweet's borderline brilliant. The other one is you again.
Mon May 18 07:04:22 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Only way I ever know it’s puppy love is when the dog rolls its eyes at me.
Mon May 18 07:04:15 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: "You think you shit a brick, but it was a tile, instead. Life's little surprises make me smile," Jim said. Cop: "Shut the…
Mon May 18 07:04:12 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: So, my chihuahua got his pecker accidentally stuck up one of your mom's nostrils, eh? I don't suppose I could ask her a c…
Mon May 18 07:04:06 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: "I know I'm nuts," said the self-aware, schizophrenic almond.
Mon May 18 07:04:02 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Even I'm getting sick of my shit. Admittedly, I ate too much.
Mon May 18 07:04:00 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: It's like everytime I go & try & dumb something down, I just end up dropping it right on my toe.. According to this tweet…
Mon May 18 07:03:51 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Don't care whether or not I go to hell metaphorically, really. Just wanna not be by guy whose idea it was to raise TV volu…
Mon May 18 07:03:34 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Just realized that 50 Cent equals 2 and a1/2 paradigms. Which means, um, I'll be right back. Gotta go find my Toby Keith …
Mon May 18 07:03:25 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Was shocked to hear her say it was my fault she was a bimbo because I fucked her brains out. That young lady's got quite …
Mon May 18 07:03:21 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Getting tired of misspelling My given name, she says; but, her sensei says She can totally handle it.
Mon May 18 07:03:16 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Surpassing Trojan Horse & just behind modern submarines, Guinness has added your mom to its record book for most men insid…
Mon May 18 07:03:13 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: I admit it. I have no idea what Greyskull is. All I know is that if I hafta google it, I better not get bit.
Mon May 18 07:03:09 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: That's just great. My good news bible has the worstest of verses. Porn blah blah bad go to hell no collect 200 dollars. 1…
Mon May 18 07:03:06 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Beer goggles don't improve the way I see this cat. His snorkel does.
Mon May 18 07:03:04 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: A true artist, when he or she is done shitting bricks.. Has created a house.
Mon May 18 07:03:00 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Two by two & three by one, we had some fun, as each young nun put my filthy habit on one another. Pretending to be superio…
Mon May 18 07:02:56 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: You know those ghosts in that drunken band don't understand why I can't get how a harmony of boos is the alcohol mating ca…
Mon May 18 07:02:52 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: It was right as the sorority chicks began swinging pillows on Lingerie Tickle Fight Night that I waltzed in.. And ruffled…
Mon May 18 07:02:48 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: If the poo fits, don't wear it or scoop it to share it. Be no fan 4 shit 2 give. Fuck it. I mean, if you don't touch it.. …
Mon May 18 07:02:38 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: It's all been downhill since I began to tweet from a toboggan & then hit a log & then.. Wee! Look at me. I fly like beagl…
Mon May 18 07:02:35 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: I must say, from what I can tell, the thing with the bell is this.. I need to bring it to ring it. And, you just don't w…
Mon May 18 07:02:23 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: I told the pets to be themselves, so the rocks got stoned & the bread stayed baked. Soon they were all napping & getting m…
Mon May 18 07:02:16 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Well, that was real smart of me. I just broke my nose & glasses, gave myself 2 black eyes, AND I missed the fly. Stupid a…
Mon May 18 07:01:56 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: The interviewer asked if I needed assistance.. I said, “After I slip it past the goalie & bang the bum slowly, I just wan…
Mon May 18 07:01:55 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Yes, I put up 666 stop signs around town to say: "Stop & smell the roses." Only 1st word fit on it. What? Just meant for…
Mon May 18 07:01:51 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Wish I knew why my dogs, Artsy and Fartsy, are trying to make the back yard look like a Jackson Pollack painting. With mu…
Mon May 18 07:01:39 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: The Dude abides while the Buddha tries to deny that's him in the leaked Internet video, motorboating strippers. "Ahhh,..Bu…
Mon May 18 07:01:36 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: If Nicki Minaj took her meds is Iggy Azalea.
Mon May 18 07:00:50 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: Completed church training. Went through initiation rites. Baptism of jism surprised me. Not sure if I'm a deacon now…
Mon May 18 07:00:29 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: I’ll never forget the night the lights went out in Georgia. That was when I lost both my lanterns. Haven’t seen them, …
Mon May 18 06:59:26 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: I'm hearing Dylan sing about Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee again. So, that means.. She's been giving me road head for …
Mon May 18 06:59:18 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: On our first date, she said, "When I pull my vagina over my head, I can hear the ocean." It was then that I knew she …
Mon May 18 06:59:13 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: Why'd ya blow up the doghouse if I'm always in it, or so I'm told. Huh? I didn't get a demo memo. You know I don't …
Mon May 18 06:59:03 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: A descendent of e.e. cummings learned semen worked for invisible ink, & completed his 2nd novel as he {radio edit} on …
Mon May 18 06:58:52 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: Bird is the word is the proverbial turd spilling willingly as he chills out in my hand. Two others come from your mot…
Mon May 18 06:58:43 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: When I moonwalk mock & talk of Ke$ha & Katy Perry secretly taco-walking multiples of Muppets in Sesame Street's dark a…
Mon May 18 06:58:36 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: It wouldn't be so hard if pumping up the volume came with instructions. No, you read this tweet dirty. I wrote it cl…
Mon May 18 06:58:27 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: I said the only way I don't screw up is for you to take off your clothes and get into this new contraption I just boug…
Mon May 18 06:58:13 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: Shoulda seen the look on her face when I asked the succubus for a transfer as I was getting off.
Mon May 18 06:58:05 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: For being such a hothead, she was a pretty smart witch. Wore helmet in case she flew off the handle. Parachute mighta …
Mon May 18 06:57:42 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: The lunatic is on the grass. Talking to lawnmower. Saying crazy shit. "Patience, grass chopper." "In my snatch, the …
Mon May 18 06:57:28 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: Mary aka Mare the Mime Store Psychologist had an opening. It was a tight fit but she did squeeze me in. Her box. # m…
Mon May 18 06:57:14 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: “I’m back in black.” ~cute little baby rhyming her first words after applying magic marker to her face for the 2nd time
Mon May 18 06:57:01 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: Waffalafellatio's purring ratio's pearly radio jury's hung. Garbanzo beans: 0 Stupid chick peas: um, none Young, dum…
Mon May 18 06:55:37 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: Before I broke a record for playing your mom backwards, the devil popped in to give her a spin & me a coupon for free …
Mon May 18 06:55:30 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: Wanna mess with a guy? Do this: Right after you cum, look around all confused & frustrated, & then tell him you got …
Mon May 18 06:55:02 +0000 2015RT @tantricHAMtrick: What's crazy is a 4th Dimension at capacity, & a 5th Dimension filling fast with alien spectators from all over univer…
Mon May 18 06:52:06 +0000 2015RT @Crossjostle: Dealing with Honey Badgers - Tapping with Brad Yates http://t.co/hACdbN1Sho
Mon May 18 06:51:53 +0000 2015RT @sexgodsuperhero: It was a lot of deleted Carlos Danger emails is all I'm saying.
Mon May 18 06:51:47 +0000 2015RT @PopularityStars: I'm no mind reader really except for when I watch documentaries. Seems a lot of times, what's unspoken is.. "Hey, Came…
Mon May 18 06:51:36 +0000 2015RT @grapesoduh: Her: "When we go to heaven, we'll discover God's a cat & be glad we treated them so nice." Him: "I'm not gonna be happy th…
Mon May 18 06:51:28 +0000 2015RT @Alpacapulco: It's hard to cry when you're rolling your eyes.
Mon May 18 06:51:21 +0000 2015RT @Robohobot: I understand cats pretty well except for when they say, "Fucking waaaa.." I always think they're expressing their displeasur…
Mon May 18 06:51:08 +0000 2015RT @Crossjostle: Target Flash Mob-Cupid Shuffle http://t.co/tQrOlrWmzZ
Mon May 18 06:51:00 +0000 2015RT @Crossjostle: 15 seconds for a YouTube commercial? WTF happened to 5 seconds. Total BS. :0/ :0)
Mon May 18 06:50:29 +0000 2015RT @SafetyNap: The question is how can cat gets brain freeze not be a funny video, & can we be sure it's not merely channeling Satan? Just …
Mon May 18 06:50:21 +0000 2015RT @brokefloormat: I'm more of your hip the hop to the hippy type of metal head.
Mon May 18 06:50:14 +0000 2015RT @forfeitsdeposit: "How it was written in police report was a lie. It's all a lie," said the panty dropper who drunkenly toppled the Vero…
Mon May 18 06:50:06 +0000 2015RT @BathtubAnarchy: Still reminiscing about the good old days when the dress was clearly blue. Stained, but still..
Mon May 18 06:49:50 +0000 2015RT @Ticklemeelzebub: Is it liver Memorex? No.
Mon May 18 06:49:45 +0000 2015RT @Bananamaste: Are these the guys who slept together and burped a fake baby? Yes.
Mon May 18 06:49:32 +0000 2015RT @Cameltoga: I bet penguins could fly if they weren't so lazy.
Mon May 18 06:47:49 +0000 2015RT @LoveScopes: The best love story is when you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time.
Mon May 18 06:44:23 +0000 2015Negative Emotions Don't Obey the Law of Attraction | Psychology Today https://t.co/mBnxVx480p
Mon May 18 02:35:25 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: a robust lower lip
Mon May 18 02:35:23 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: say it with austerity
Mon May 18 02:35:20 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: squiggle kitten purr
Mon May 18 02:35:18 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: and per se and
Mon May 18 02:35:15 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: an orthographical error, oops
Mon May 18 02:35:13 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: i mark my words
Mon May 18 02:35:10 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: that's not a bird bath
Mon May 18 02:35:08 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: here's the thing: (...)
Mon May 18 02:35:03 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: the abandoned villa at 3am
Mon May 18 02:35:01 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: i came to those conclusions
Mon May 18 02:34:57 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: unbundled up
Mon May 18 02:34:55 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: 4'33" forte (sshhh)
Mon May 18 02:34:52 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: strapped for cash
Mon May 18 02:34:49 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: this isn't working. is this working?
Mon May 18 02:34:47 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: i love you like an ex-sister-wife
Mon May 18 02:34:44 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: crow and crow are friends http://t.co/hYtMDAhYSj
Mon May 18 02:34:38 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: the eventual tedium of petty crime
Mon May 18 02:34:36 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: i love you. i do not know what to do with you.
Mon May 18 02:34:32 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: could you hack this for me?
Mon May 18 02:34:30 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: sex-kitten-cat-lady-cougar-cub life
Mon May 18 02:34:26 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: you find an angry little kitten, but then you feed her & her mood improves
Mon May 18 02:34:24 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: you read me like a rebus
Mon May 18 02:34:20 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: hey, kroger! ya wannanotther nutterbutter?
Mon May 18 02:34:15 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: sissies be sissin'
Mon May 18 02:34:13 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: hang on, almost ready...  ok, send in the clowns.
Mon May 18 02:34:10 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: sext (n + 7): shackle
Mon May 18 02:34:07 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: after sext (n + 7): make me a sari
Mon May 18 02:34:00 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: sudden thunders http://t.co/X3u330JMPG
Mon May 18 02:33:56 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: the utmost disclosure
Mon May 18 02:33:52 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: inobvious mitigating factors
Mon May 18 02:33:47 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: problematic behaviors
Mon May 18 02:33:42 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: don't call me "dude" ok?
Mon May 18 02:33:39 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: m'lady if you're nasty
Mon May 18 02:33:36 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: artichoke http://t.co/oOyrXc2dZD
Mon May 18 02:33:32 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: you named your son "Whimsy?"
Mon May 18 02:33:26 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: an idioglossary for all your self-coined phrases
Mon May 18 02:33:21 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: let's cut a rug
Mon May 18 02:33:19 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: *finds our sex video posted under "ex-gf revenge." *curses your name, plans your comeuppance* *watches video* *adds to fav…
Mon May 18 02:33:13 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: a frozen rose http://t.co/aomYLg99iF
Mon May 18 02:33:09 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: sleeping kitty in a shop window by my old apartment http://t.co/U6hbD1xoe0
Mon May 18 02:33:00 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: FILTH = Father I'd Like To Hump
Mon May 18 02:32:56 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: *maintains appropriate eye contact
Mon May 18 02:32:54 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: *uses time wisely
Mon May 18 02:32:50 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: *curious about learning
Mon May 18 02:32:48 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: *participates
Mon May 18 02:32:42 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: *cheerful, and smiles at others
Mon May 18 02:32:40 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: notice anything different about me? if you come close, you'll see that i used soap today.
Mon May 18 02:32:36 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: jerkin the sweet gherkin
Mon May 18 02:32:26 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: twerk dat gherkin!
Mon May 18 02:32:23 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: purrbrrator
Mon May 18 02:32:20 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: sorry for unRTing you, but i'm concerned you might be just a kitten, kitten. xo
Mon May 18 02:32:12 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: revel in the opulence
Mon May 18 02:32:10 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: sparkles for breakfast
Mon May 18 02:32:07 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: *plays chess with you*
Mon May 18 02:32:05 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: what square do i put the horse piece on?
Mon May 18 02:31:55 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: pawn takes queen
Mon May 18 02:31:52 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: j'adoube. (don't move)
Mon May 18 02:31:47 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: i like to kibitz
Mon May 18 02:31:44 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: *remembers my p's & q's
Mon May 18 02:31:39 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I'll see you in 4.5 years, near the Sangre de Christo mountains
Mon May 18 02:31:34 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: i can barely reach you http://t.co/pFE9LINoG0
Mon May 18 02:31:30 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Hiroshima Mon Amour http://t.co/5z0EBqTphc
Mon May 18 02:31:26 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: If life gives you lemons, pucker up and swallow.
Mon May 18 02:31:21 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: downward-facing snow angel
Mon May 18 02:31:19 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: dixie chips salute
Mon May 18 02:31:16 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: rhymed tandem couplet
Mon May 18 02:31:12 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: subliminal massage
Mon May 18 02:31:09 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: tweelight http://t.co/94Cd5mEZIS
Mon May 18 02:31:04 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: li'l bit janky, li'l bit lovely http://t.co/XbKfXtGq6r
Mon May 18 02:30:58 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Everyone looks so pretty today.
Mon May 18 02:30:56 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: my treasure fortune http://t.co/TCzzhElrl0
Mon May 18 02:30:51 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: It's ok to have a mean bone in your body.
Mon May 18 02:30:43 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I watched this volcano erupt all night from my cabin. http://t.co/vsO4ThE0GH
Mon May 18 02:30:31 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: lucky http://t.co/P53PlJAfbW
Mon May 18 02:30:11 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: quarterpast midnight
Mon May 18 02:30:06 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: a literal fuckton of sparkles
Mon May 18 02:30:02 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: *sends you unsolicited kitty pics*
Mon May 18 02:30:00 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: spooky haunted schoolhouse http://t.co/m0XrKnSvEE
Mon May 18 02:29:55 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: The fact that you and your spouse aren't speaking makes dating both of you a little awkward, tbqh.
Mon May 18 02:29:49 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: All the old gods are learning new tricks.
Mon May 18 02:29:47 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Compassion is the sexiest word I know.
Mon May 18 02:29:41 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I would rather walk around the waterpark naked than go swimsuit shopping this year.
Mon May 18 02:29:38 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Here's the thing.
Mon May 18 02:29:34 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I told you explicitly.
Mon May 18 02:29:32 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Answer me rhetorically.
Mon May 18 02:29:28 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I'm not a mind weeder.
Mon May 18 02:29:25 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: The pleasure was mined.
Mon May 18 02:29:22 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: magical binking
Mon May 18 02:29:20 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Someday your children will be as old as we are.
Mon May 18 02:29:07 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: a diptych of a dick-tip pic
Mon May 18 02:29:03 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: back it up, freakshow
Mon May 18 02:28:56 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I've never even seen a girl who isn't pretty.
Mon May 18 02:28:45 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Everything tastes so strange today.
Mon May 18 02:28:42 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Senor Coconut - Showroom Dummies http://t.co/7MRrDwia4z
Mon May 18 02:28:37 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: If anyone saw us they'd think we were crazy.
Mon May 18 02:28:31 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: irl I'm watching the moon and dipping a fudgesicle in some hot cocoa.
Mon May 18 02:28:25 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: found a tiny ghost lady in the yard http://t.co/NmWUxg1RY7
Mon May 18 02:28:19 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: If you love the piano there's no need to take lessons.
Mon May 18 02:28:15 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Charlotte http://t.co/kLAXukpCtO
Mon May 18 02:28:01 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: crop yourself out of this one
Mon May 18 02:27:57 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: listening to the tapes I made of each fight we had
Mon May 18 02:27:43 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Throwing Muses 1986 (Full Album) http://t.co/7XEA15Td0o
Mon May 18 02:27:40 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: "Dear Mother - Harold and I are slowly adjusting to each other." William Steig http://t.co/WQvjeM0zuA
Mon May 18 02:27:32 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: showpony plant http://t.co/YJ0jPEZmI1
Mon May 18 02:27:27 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I ripped every petal off of my flower trying to find out if you loved me or not.
Mon May 18 02:27:23 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: My future doesn't even know you exist.
Mon May 18 02:27:17 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: plot twist: nobody is crazy and everyone deserves respect and love.
Mon May 18 02:27:12 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Cat Power - Bathysphere http://t.co/Rr62YOJ6KV
Mon May 18 02:27:08 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: When I found my ex-boyfriend's secret trunk full of women's clothing I got very upset because it was all like two sizes too…
Mon May 18 02:26:55 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: My ex used to sext in comic sans.
Mon May 18 02:26:51 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: What's neue, Helvetica? *scoffs* That's MS sans serif, to you, sir.
Mon May 18 02:26:45 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: You can be the little swoon.
Mon May 18 02:26:41 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: "I'm a very nice girl. I could never have sex with a married man," I whispered to him sweetly on our honeymoon.
Mon May 18 02:26:36 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Porno Person by Doktor Kosmos http://t.co/dDPlSQxHxf
Mon May 18 02:26:30 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Your tweet is very offensive, but maybe you are just alone somewhere dealing with your dark thoughts the only way you know …
Mon May 18 02:26:26 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Father John Misty - Hollywood Forever Cemetery Sings [OFFICIAL VIDEO] http://t.co/1u9Ms9pPPk
Mon May 18 02:26:21 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Gimme a quarter and I'll let you ride my purple pony. http://t.co/iP8Yv61hAg
Mon May 18 02:26:16 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Neutral Milk Hotel-My Dream Girl Don't Exist  http://t.co/h4FcqAwpO9
Mon May 18 02:26:09 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: My safe word is "hang on a sec... I have to pee."
Mon May 18 02:26:00 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Bambi learns about "Twitterpated" http://t.co/MXFaGETxQe
Mon May 18 02:25:51 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: When a man you've never met sends a picture of his penis, it's like a stranger's child showing you a bad boo-boo and hoping…
Mon May 18 02:25:40 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: 🎶Well I'm just a modern guy, of course I've had it in the ear before.. wait, What!? how is that even possible? In the ear?…
Mon May 18 02:25:13 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I learned almost everything I know about alien tentacle bondage sex from my great-grammy Agnes.
Mon May 18 02:25:08 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: "Umshini Wam" Die Antwoord Harmony Korine (Official, HD) http://t.co/aQ1iiCV7uY
Mon May 18 02:25:02 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Right now I'm sitting in a Valero parking lot making meaningful eye-contact with a trucker while "Feel Like Makin' Love" pl…
Mon May 18 02:24:52 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Teaching myself every Spanish phrase I'll ever need to know. Tom Tom Club - Genius of Love http://t.co/wNsCKakQWc
Mon May 18 02:24:47 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I would do anything for love, but I won't do food porn.
Mon May 18 02:24:44 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: my heart has been disconnected or is no longer in service
Mon May 18 02:24:40 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Think I'm gonna let myself get brainwashed by a cult, go through deprogramming, then make a living touring the daytime talk…
Mon May 18 02:24:36 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I don't understand how breaking some imaginary "law" makes me a "criminal." It's all in your head, Your Honor.
Mon May 18 02:24:32 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: It wasn't weird until he asked me to sit on his lap and read his own tweets back to him in the voice of Henrietta Pussycat …
Mon May 18 02:24:27 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: The secret to looking ten years younger than your actual age is to never, ever, ever leave your bedroom.
Mon May 18 02:24:22 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: El Perro Del Mar "Change Of Heart"  http://t.co/4aecu9udJl
Mon May 18 02:24:18 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: When I hear the term "soft-core erotica" I imagine two dolphins trying to scissor in a rose-petal jacuzzi.
Mon May 18 02:24:14 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: This is my therapeutic miniature service horse. His name is Cloppers and I trained him to steal candy for me. http://t.co/h…
Mon May 18 02:24:09 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: li'l ms. saint luxuria, aren'tcha?
Mon May 18 02:24:03 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I don't believe in astrology except for the fact that Scorpios are always good at sex.
Mon May 18 02:23:57 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I just deleted 6547 email conversations with my ex and my computer feels like new again.
Mon May 18 02:23:44 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Ok, sure, Hell sounds kinda scary, but Jesus Christ, can you imagine the endorphin rush?
Mon May 18 02:23:39 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Die Antwoord - Rich Bitch http://t.co/qOnOVZZDqM
Mon May 18 02:23:33 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: TOMMY JAMES & THE SHONDELLS - Crimson And Clover (1969) http://t.co/Q3wzcM1fId
Mon May 18 02:23:28 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: All the songs that used to make me cry just seem sappy and sentimental now. It's time to break up with this playlist.
Mon May 18 02:23:19 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: He RT's me so good, the sex just has to be great. It's only logical.
Mon May 18 02:23:13 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: The Poaz volcano in Costa Rica. http://t.co/gU1g0dV2Fz
Mon May 18 02:23:03 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: The first thing I learned as a child was that misbehaving earned me a timeout in which everyone would leave me alone for aw…
Mon May 18 02:22:55 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I would have been the best kid ever if my parents had forced me to stay In the room whenever I was bad.
Mon May 18 02:22:50 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: If you believe that words can't physically hurt, think about how your body feels when you get a sexy message from someone y…
Mon May 18 02:22:46 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I'm considering a career change to Private Investigator because I've hit the glass ceiling with Unemployed Voyeur.
Mon May 18 02:22:38 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: If you call me by accident (and I like you a lot) I'll stay on the phone listening to the sounds in your pocket until you f…
Mon May 18 02:22:34 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Calling someone "strange, in a good way" is not a compliment. Most people just want to be understood.
Mon May 18 02:22:14 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: All the way turnt down. -my blankets, every night before bed.
Mon May 18 02:22:10 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: "Shit man, is that the cops?" "Nah, it's just the humidity"
Mon May 18 02:21:58 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: *sighs* (doesn't matter)
Mon May 18 02:21:55 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I keep a red thread in my pocket for you.
Mon May 18 02:21:51 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I've developed a discerning eye for all kinds of fuckery.
Mon May 18 02:21:49 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Sonic Youth - Superstar http://t.co/wJNABZEBB3
Mon May 18 02:21:42 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Honestly, I'm feeling a little lonely at this carnival. http://t.co/WvTdgqnvmE
Mon May 18 02:21:35 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Maybe there's magic inside the funhouse? http://t.co/lFYLgxEH6c
Mon May 18 00:44:21 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: #YesAllWaterslides http://t.co/ABmhBJS9Ly
Mon May 18 00:43:52 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: It's getting dark outside now. That feels a little better.
Mon May 18 00:43:49 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: One of these days I'll say too much.
Mon May 18 00:43:47 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: 🎶Just call me angel of the morning, angel. Just brush your teeth before you kiss me, baaaaby"🎶
Mon May 18 00:43:42 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: My ex-husband still looks about 23. He's a nice guy aside from the obvious "feeding on the soul of his new child-bride" thi…
Mon May 18 00:43:37 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: A real magician will impress you by putting his bunny in the hat, not by pulling it out.
Mon May 18 00:43:34 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: When I was 7yo I went to camp & a boy said he liked my t-shirt so I ran & hid in my cabin & faked a stomach ache for the re…
Mon May 18 00:43:29 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Gary Jules- Mad World From Donnie Darko http://t.co/mbC7PlHUxb
Mon May 18 00:43:24 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: This nagging intuition is no match for my vivid imagination and willful suspension of disbelief.
Mon May 18 00:43:21 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: This cryptogram is a love letter but don't try to solve it. Just trust that it says something nice.
Mon May 18 00:43:12 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: How to Decide There are 3 birds on the fence. If the answer is yes, they will stay. If the answer is no, one will fly away …
Mon May 18 00:43:10 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: "I am highly qualified in unhappy love affairs." - Gillian Rose
Mon May 18 00:43:04 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Where to Go Count each sidewalk square to the end of the block. Turn left if even, right if odd. It's ok if you lose track.…
Mon May 18 00:42:50 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: If I loved him just a little bit less I might marry him.
Mon May 18 00:42:48 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: What's the silliest fashion trend you can imagine? Picture it then make a wish. Five years ago I wished for 5-toed shoes. T…
Mon May 18 00:42:41 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: There's a lollipop born every minute of the day.
Mon May 18 00:42:38 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Him: what do you like in bed? Me: lots of stuff... H: like...? M: Twizzlers, ice cream, Dots H: cookies? M: *hangs head* ye…
Mon May 18 00:42:36 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I'll confess, but only if you'll promise not to forgive me.
Mon May 18 00:42:33 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: When people are nice to me now, it almost makes me want to cry.
Mon May 18 00:42:31 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: My superpower is the ability to detect emotional insincerity. It's not so much a superpower as a painfully learned skill.
Mon May 18 00:42:27 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I want the kind of magic that works whether you believe in it or not.
Mon May 18 00:42:24 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Let's keep everything wildly appropriate.
Mon May 18 00:42:20 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Iggy Kittenski http://t.co/Vyp2sS17ca
Mon May 18 00:42:11 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I feel like the universe is conspiring on my behalf.
Mon May 18 00:42:05 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: ...five hours into our tantric sext session and he's still waiting to complete his last message...
Mon May 18 00:42:02 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I can only trust you as far as I can throw you. *puts you in a hamster ball* *tosses ball* *ball goes into orbit, turns i…
Mon May 18 00:41:57 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I can't wait to get on your last nerve.
Mon May 18 00:41:56 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: do you enjoy the frustration of difficult music?
Mon May 18 00:41:47 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: If you were perfect, we would have nothing in common.
Mon May 18 00:41:37 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: just cross your arms and hope we fly
Mon May 18 00:41:33 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I enjoy rainy days, Mondays, and always letting you down.
Mon May 18 00:41:29 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: if he knew I was angry he would only be flattered
Mon May 18 00:41:20 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: not a victim. not a survivor. just a bystander who witnessed something ridiculous and thought it was love.
Mon May 18 00:41:14 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Tell me to "think positive" and I picture a kitten with fuzzy pantaloons.
Mon May 18 00:41:08 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Close your eyes, make a wish, and watch me disappear.
Mon May 18 00:41:03 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: Filing your apologies under "ephemera"
Mon May 18 00:40:46 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: If anyone asks, I've moved on.
Mon May 18 00:40:43 +0000 2015RT @ImSorryToo: I wrote a song for you. Will you sing it to me?
Mon May 18 00:40:20 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Maybe I could inspire you to do something great. No way to know for sure.
Mon May 18 00:40:15 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Tony Danza won't always be there to buy you dinner, you know.
Mon May 18 00:40:13 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I had to learn the hard way not to flash the "shocker" hand sign in front of a live studio audience.
Mon May 18 00:40:10 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I'll always be in your heart.
Mon May 18 00:40:07 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Double Dream Feet (DubStep Dream Feet) http://t.co/gizjEMBvGl
Mon May 18 00:40:02 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: You don't have to watch "Small Wonder" to be a small wonder. Small wonder can live in your heart.
Mon May 18 00:39:59 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: All my love letters are sad lipograms sans ewe.
Mon May 18 00:39:56 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Silence by which John Cage means unintended, indeterminate noise...
Mon May 18 00:39:52 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Small Wonder don't care if her posts make no sense. Small Wonder just don't give a shit.
Mon May 18 00:39:42 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Don't you ever doubt it. Small Wonder is for real.
Mon May 18 00:39:38 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Once you hit 35, your chances for meeting a nice, normal guy with a good job who's into Small Wonder cosplay are practi…
Mon May 18 00:39:33 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: The weirdest sweetest Throbbing Gristle love story.   http://t.co/PqsMAy9m5n
Mon May 18 00:39:29 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I am the technological singularity.
Mon May 18 00:39:25 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Penny slots, ink blots, soda pops and riding crops.
Mon May 18 00:39:19 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: You had me at, "high-functioning autism with a savant-like knowledge of remedial robotics technology."
Mon May 18 00:39:14 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: *walks outside, looks at the sky Hey, clouds! Raining hard? Or hardly raining? *nudge nudge, wink wink Aw, I'm just …
Mon May 18 00:39:10 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I was like, whatEVer, I'mma total grammar nazi and if you say "who" instead of "whom" then I'm gonna be like, "sorry, d…
Mon May 18 00:39:04 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: waterfalls, Biggie Smalls, bocce balls and booty calls
Mon May 18 00:39:00 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Me, in real life, devouring my sweet Nerds Rope candy. http://t.co/HtJptoTyIY
Mon May 18 00:38:55 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: The Vaselines - I Hate the 80's  http://t.co/9QT6y5Xhen
Mon May 18 00:38:42 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Relationship status: Nancy. http://t.co/siEuePZZdC
Mon May 18 00:38:33 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: *installs Linux on laptop by herself hoping to impress cute guy in IT* *completely fucks up laptop, cute guy in IT is …
Mon May 18 00:38:28 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: blooper reel http://t.co/9ir9EUVavA
Mon May 18 00:38:23 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Menomena - "Plumage" http://t.co/4cSSscmKdK
Mon May 18 00:38:21 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Small Wonder helped redefine fourth-wave feminism.
Mon May 18 00:38:16 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I've never met a clown who didn't like to party kind of freaky.
Mon May 18 00:38:12 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Nowadays I'm more of a mid-sized wonder.
Mon May 18 00:38:09 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: My real-life mother is Laura Dern.
Mon May 18 00:38:05 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I call my daddy "sperm-donor" because he was a Zamboni.
Mon May 18 00:38:01 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: What will the future bring? An entire generation of orificeless children, running hither-nither in their nanny-skin pel…
Mon May 18 00:37:57 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: If you've never spent a weekend in a yurt with the ex-drummer of Twisted Sister, I don't wanna hear about your mescalin…
Mon May 18 00:37:38 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Spending Saturday night with this billy goat and a vocoder mic trying to record another hit single for T-Pain.
Mon May 18 00:37:31 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I passed out drunk at a loft party for Georgia O'Keeffe and woke up with beautiful flowery pictures of transvaginal mes…
Mon May 18 00:37:25 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: The milkshake of Crosby, Stills, Nash, Young, & Kelis brought two cats to my yard. I could tell you how, but I'd have t…
Mon May 18 00:37:18 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Child-Robot Twitter is primarily comprised of animatronics-play and "your mama's a slot machine" jokes.
Mon May 18 00:37:05 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I went to a Troll Twitter Tweet-up last night hoping to see cock-fights and bar brawls, but it was just a bunch of past…
Mon May 18 00:36:57 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: My stripper name is "Eartha Kitt-Cat Stevens."
Mon May 18 00:36:55 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Kids these days! They just stare at you blankly when you try to tell them a great Olympia Bukakkis joke.
Mon May 18 00:36:50 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Eminem giggles like a Tickle-Me-Elmo during sex.
Mon May 18 00:36:48 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: If I could be any superhero, I would be a white guy who spontaneously breaks into cars and my name would be the "Cracke…
Mon May 18 00:36:46 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I forget the medical terminology for that sexual dysfunction where guys can only get it up if "Armageddon It" is cranke…
Mon May 18 00:36:26 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: My favorite sex position is the "Backwards Gomer Pyle Driver."
Mon May 18 00:36:22 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Some Velvet Morning - Nancy Sinatra and Lee Hazlewood (1967) http://t.co/MBdW21xtwa
Mon May 18 00:36:09 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I used to do Crossfit training, but then I found that cocaine cut with baby laxative works just as well.
Mon May 18 00:36:04 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: My ADD meds aren't helping me focus on finding a job, but they do have a pretty high street value so the problem solves…
Mon May 18 00:35:57 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: David Bowie - 'Space Oddity' original video [1967] http://t.co/zy1TWhozgU
Mon May 18 00:35:50 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Real gangsters rarely have time to write and record songs about the thuglife.
Mon May 18 00:35:45 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Being the "Cynthia Plaster-Caster" of the podcast syndicate isn't always as exciting as one might imagine.
Mon May 18 00:35:41 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Ian Dury - Clevor Trevor http://t.co/NeBobdFLZw
Mon May 18 00:35:37 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: The City Wears A Slouch Hat - John Cage & Kenneth Patchen http://t.co/zhcf1nMzda
Mon May 18 00:35:33 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I told someone my real name tonight and I think it broke his little heart.
Mon May 18 00:35:25 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I'm just a sociopathic little child robot, so don't tell me about your problems.
Mon May 18 00:35:23 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: It's like these credit card companies don't even care that I'm an electric accordionist for South Dakota's finest heavy…
Mon May 18 00:35:19 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: All the good ones Twittercide. Meanwhile, people like me keep on tweeting as a creepy robot child.
Mon May 18 00:35:13 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Bongwater - David Bowie Wants Ideas http://t.co/ywTS40GMc3
Mon May 18 00:35:08 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Let's Scare Jessica To Death (1971) Full Movie  http://t.co/0eghweSFS6
Mon May 18 00:34:43 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Needless to say, I'm fairly disappointed in Gary Glitter right now.
Mon May 18 00:34:34 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: The Langley Schools Music Project - Band on the Run (Official) http://t.co/qJcip5noXh
Mon May 18 00:34:22 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: The politically correct term for a person who lives under the highway is not "homeless." It's "Highwegian."
Mon May 18 00:34:15 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I had a dream that Newt Gingrich was hanging out at my friend Tom's house and I was not surprised because Tom's really …
Mon May 18 00:33:58 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: When someone stars all your tweets but won't follow back, it's like a friend who plays at your house but won't be seen …
Mon May 18 00:33:49 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Helen Reddy - Angie Baby http://t.co/suO74B2I2J
Mon May 18 00:33:46 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: When I was in high school we didn't have the internet or cell phones. We just had one fancy little nano-gadget with cos…
Mon May 18 00:33:40 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Guy Maddin: My Dad is 100 Years Old (full film) http://t.co/H4nGDy5Wve
Mon May 18 00:33:35 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: [in comic book store] me: Got any Japanese comics w neotenic-eyed space-fairies in BDSM schoolgirl outfits? clerk: uh…
Mon May 18 00:33:28 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: No, I didn't "blackout" the last time I got drunk at your party. I just don't "specifically remember" anything that hap…
Mon May 18 00:33:21 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I try to dress very provocatively sexy when I go out so guys will buy me drinks and listen my reptilian shapeshifter co…
Mon May 18 00:33:16 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: A straight man who has opportunistic sex with other men in order to score free drugs is called a "methosexual."
Mon May 18 00:33:12 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: The last time I got drunk I woke up under a bridge next to a homeless man whom I had mistaken for David Foster Wallace.
Mon May 18 00:33:06 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: He took me to a romantic restaurant. After dinner he surprised me by getting down on one knee and begging me to loosen …
Mon May 18 00:33:00 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Can anyone recommend a good cult movement to join? Brain-washing and mild-control are ok with me, but I hate the outdoo…
Mon May 18 00:32:52 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Mother is the invention of all migraines.
Mon May 18 00:32:48 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: The saloon has free peanuts and this cowboy knows quite a lot about animal husbandry, so maybe I'm in my element after …
Mon May 18 00:32:42 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: *realizes something* I could just write, "I realized something" instead of using asterisks. I'll reconsider my tweet s…
Mon May 18 00:32:32 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: *uses asterisks to avoid having a period while sexting*
Mon May 18 00:32:30 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Slender Man's influence is creepy but it's nothing in comparison to the string of Donkey Kong Jr. kidnappings that once…
Mon May 18 00:32:20 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Step 1: Disassemble patriarchy Step 2: Install matriarchy Step 3: Tell men we can't be expected to do Everything. A li'…
Mon May 18 00:32:15 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: The key to my success? I meditate, practice mindfulness, and take a moment to express my gratitude after each and every…
Mon May 18 00:32:09 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Anything is possible as long as no one is looking.
Mon May 18 00:32:07 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: judy is a judge http://t.co/a9a8yxOQ8t
Mon May 18 00:32:01 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: The strippers at "The Lazy Wench" trudge into the room, pull their bra off overhead, then collapse in your lap, complai…
Mon May 18 00:31:56 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I only date older men who can pull a quarter out of my ear and get my nose because my uncle neglected me when I was a l…
Mon May 18 00:31:51 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I stayed for his long-winded, didactic speech on permaculture and sustainability, but I came for his BirkenCrocs.
Mon May 18 00:31:45 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: The best way to convince someone you're not a stalker is to memorize the legal definition and recite it whenever you're…
Mon May 18 00:31:40 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: "Gambling in Vegas is irresponsible. I prefer wholesome activities," I explained, as I banked my air hockey puck into t…
Mon May 18 00:31:35 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I'm celebrating my 4 year anniversary of being "high on life" next Tuesday. Today is my 2 hour anniversary of being "hi…
Mon May 18 00:31:28 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Everyone you know has a story about being high or wasted on a golf course.
Mon May 18 00:31:22 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I truly hope my ex becomes rich, successful and very famous someday. It would help increase sales of my scandalous, tel…
Mon May 18 00:31:17 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: If we've ever dated, please know that my "ex" jokes are not about you. They're about my other ex. I would never say tho…
Mon May 18 00:31:12 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: The Handsome by Wine Dark Sea http://t.co/sWvUeSZ1Tg
Mon May 18 00:31:05 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: If, hypothetically, I just left my fiancé jilted at the altar, should I still serve the wedding cake or is that conside…
Mon May 18 00:30:52 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I don't consider myself "famous," per se, but my name does hold some influence in the world of radio-controlled airplan…
Mon May 18 00:30:10 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I'm not a psychologist, but I've taken enough internet quizzes to make reductive diagnostic assumptions about anyone wh…
Mon May 18 00:30:04 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: My new novel is a pioneering work of experimental fiction that eschews written language & the traditional constraints o…
Mon May 18 00:29:58 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Don't even care if the whole world's laughing at us. I love America and I will fight for my right to pretend we once wa…
Mon May 18 00:29:53 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I love you. I'm not asking you to change. I'm just saying it would've been nice to know about your BDSM clown sex fetis…
Mon May 18 00:29:47 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: They say a man thinks with his penis. I say that's a logical phallus, see?
Mon May 18 00:29:42 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Who's the genius that decided to build Yellowstone Park directly on top of a centuries-overdue supervolcano?
Mon May 18 00:29:37 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I, for one, am shocked to learn that FEMEN, the feminist group that stages topless protests, was founded and is control…
Mon May 18 00:29:24 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: You're never too old to lie on your back in the grass, look up into the blue sky, and decipher the codes sent by dissip…
Mon May 18 00:24:54 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I met the love of my life the old-fashioned way: my 6th grade class' prison pen-pal letter-writing project.
Mon May 18 00:24:32 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Twitter was the reason my 3rd marriage failed. My 2nd marriage was destroyed by a cell phone & I blame my 1st divorce o…
Mon May 18 00:24:26 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I may not be "book smart" or "street smart," but once you get to know me, you'll discover I'm also not "very smart."
Mon May 18 00:24:11 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: I asked my beautician for a "crop circle wax" because I'm hoping that the aliens will come.
Mon May 18 00:23:24 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Trembling with fear after discovering a mixtape I made in college, the hipster boyfriend asked, "This...this "music"...…
Mon May 18 00:23:15 +0000 2015RT @pancakemixtape: Like most kids of my era, the first hot and racy photos I ever saw were National Geographic pics of cheetahs running in…
Fri May 15 15:32:59 +0000 2015RT @Dumbassador: I'm from Arizona, so I don't know anything.
Fri May 15 15:32:28 +0000 2015RT @Crossjostle: Metallica - Battery (BANJO cover) http://t.co/6H4qVeTWrh
Fri May 15 15:32:21 +0000 2015RT @BathtubAnarchy: I'm starting to see a lot of the lost alpacas again.
Fri May 15 15:31:03 +0000 2015RT @xoldjed: Twirling her finger signifying crazy sign signal flirting hair twirling her never goes outta season hair's still the thing it'…
Fri May 15 15:30:55 +0000 2015RT @dejdlo: And the men were still allowed to run for office, but did lose their right to vote. Women, of course, got banned from office du…
Fri May 15 15:30:50 +0000 2015RT @flightcarnival: And then the he-whore she named Eeyore became her manwife and although still retaining his sexual privileges, he did lo…
Fri May 15 15:30:39 +0000 2015RT @Crossjostle: What's going on is I don't know.
Fri May 15 15:30:27 +0000 2015RT @Crossjostle: If we really landed on the moon, then that would explain why there's cow poop on your flag.
Fri May 15 15:30:19 +0000 2015RT @Clampetunia: If only kittens had thumbs to put up to show their approval of tan suits, he thinks.. Everything would be all better.
Fri May 15 15:30:10 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: The voice in my head that keeps saying, “Stupid is as stupid stars,” is really starting to get on my nerves.
Fri May 15 15:30:07 +0000 2015RT @PlantanaMontana: If we really landed on the moon, then Dude, where's my cartwheel?
Fri May 15 15:29:56 +0000 2015RT @TheBookofTweet: The unicorn in the poop for one holds a kernel of truth to many.
Fri May 15 15:29:50 +0000 2015RT @Crossjostle: “Your other left, my dear.” ~Beyonce’s mirror
Fri May 15 15:29:37 +0000 2015RT @thegameneedsme: An 11 year, $876 dollar study of the 2004 election concluded Kucinich could've become  president if his name didn't rhy…
Fri May 15 15:29:30 +0000 2015RT @flightcarnival: A guy can't spell, Bingo, wrong one time without a whole roomful of old people getting upset? Lady, enough with the um…
Fri May 15 15:29:27 +0000 2015RT @xoldjed: My bad luck began about 7 years ago after the mirror said it was smarter than me.
Fri May 15 15:29:15 +0000 2015RT @dejdlo: On the bright side, I get overheated in all my dress outfits.
Fri May 15 15:28:57 +0000 2015RT @dirtyrhymes: Unsurprisingly, her barricuda triangle had teeth, yet I still went diving. Now, a big part of me's missing. I hope it's ju…
Fri May 15 15:28:42 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Ever since I asked it if it’s first name was Kaja, I’ve been being rerouted to Bing.
Fri May 15 15:28:35 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: The dog’s wearing a lifejacket on this cruise because I suck at throwing the frisbee.
Fri May 15 15:28:27 +0000 2015RT @Crossjostle: "5 to 1, baby. One in five. No one here knows how to drive." -the Doors ..of my car, singing
Fri May 15 15:28:22 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: The fact I stopped talking about tiny aliens coming and going through the portal on the top of my head pretty much changes…
Fri May 15 15:27:43 +0000 2015RT @flightcarnival: Now that you mention it, I suppose us both wearing her clothes while we wait for her to get here is a bit creepy.. You…
Fri May 15 15:27:06 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: She's fetching in the sense that she looks and dresses real sexy, although as of yet she's still refusing to chase the fri…
Fri May 15 15:26:43 +0000 2015RT @Crossjostle: I panicked when I saw that my favorite pictures of people having sex with vegetables had vanished. Then, I realized I had…
Fri May 15 15:26:31 +0000 2015RT @thegameneedsme: Neighbors moved. Gave me their dog, Ollie. Was half shih-tzu & everything mix. Realized his full name was Oliver. # sh…
Fri May 15 15:26:21 +0000 2015RT @xoldjed: "Loaded. That's how I roll," slurred God's dice.
Fri May 15 15:26:07 +0000 2015RT @Alpacapulco: Funny how the world never corrects me, and says it's called football when I have my Soccer Boppers on.
Fri May 15 15:25:35 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: Imagine if the Apollo astronauts had stage fright. Crazy, I know. There'd be no talk of who did or didn't plant a flag on…
Fri May 15 15:25:27 +0000 2015RT @thegameneedsme: Splashing fashion like a famous projects runway gangsta.. At reverse osmosis dance class, my tap shoes get a bad rap; &…
Fri May 15 15:25:17 +0000 2015RT @Crossjostle: doll i know picks nose says she wants to breathe bets if she has 2 shits to give it is in nostrils they live asked me to…
Fri May 15 15:25:09 +0000 2015RT @xoldjed: foolishly agreed to be guinea pig trying out new lawnchair launcher current status is helplessly hopeful also feeling kind of …
Fri May 15 15:24:58 +0000 2015RT @grapesoduh: "This could be us, but you're plane." ~girl shows boyfriend a picture of a cute couple on the cover of Bride Train magazine
Fri May 15 15:24:52 +0000 2015RT @grapesoduh: "Morgan Freeman is still Jimi Hendrix, though, right?" ~conspiracy theorists react to news about the death of B.B. King
Fri May 15 06:35:39 +0000 2015RT @Crossjostle: KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park (1978) Full Musical Movie http://t.co/DwDGa1rjrE
Thu May 14 23:51:57 +0000 2015I’m not sure if it’s because of my beer goggles, or not, but all the single ladies wanna see how well my snorkel fits.
Thu May 14 21:13:11 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: An unmarked white Vans shoes on hamsters mind lost trying to find rhymes to match plaid tablecloths. This is the story of…
Thu May 14 21:13:08 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: About to throw a fit because light sabers don’t work for shit to eat spaghetti, Luke heard the Old JEDi say, “Yo, duh..mba…
Thu May 14 21:13:02 +0000 2015RT @turduvadove: It's not my fault if y'all go flippin' me the bird and my tailfeathers land on heads. "Just get the hell off of us, JED,"…
Thu May 14 20:08:17 +0000 2015RT @Midwipe: I wish I knew what day it was so I could complain about it.
Thu May 14 20:06:11 +0000 2015#gsoav
Thu May 14 20:06:00 +0000 2015#ftwot
Thu May 14 20:05:42 +0000 2015#thebookoftweet
Thu May 14 20:05:15 +0000 2015RT @freaksong: "Yes," said old jed to nobody, as he quoted Yoko.
Thu May 14 20:04:10 +0000 2015#xjedis
Thu May 14 20:03:35 +0000 2015#xjedif
Thu May 14 20:03:26 +0000 2015#xjedin
Thu May 14 20:03:16 +0000 2015#xjediv
Thu May 14 20:03:08 +0000 2015#xjedim
Thu May 14 20:02:55 +0000 2015#xjediam
Thu May 14 20:02:07 +0000 2015RT @xoldjed: #xjed ~•* https://t.co/SIcneZuY7Z

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